


Alexandra Cabot's Secret Hell

by NotaBunny



Category: Conviction (TV 2006), Law & Order: SVU
Genre: A/O if you squint, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical depictions/discussions of rape, Crossover If You Squint, Endometriosis, F/F, Friendship, I really just borrowed a character from another L&O franchise, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Menstruation, No Sex, Slow Burn, lesbian subtext
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 23,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21515662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotaBunny/pseuds/NotaBunny
Summary: Alex finds out she has endometriosis, Olivia helps her along the way. There's a B-plot with a teenage mormon rape victim. Also a guest appearance by one of the future ADAs under Cabot in the wildly unpopular L&O spinoff Conviction (2006). This story is surprisingly funny at times.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted on FF.net, though this version has been edited slightly, the old version of the same name will remain up on FF.net, and I will continue posting on both.
> 
> It's a really old fic. I started writing it when I was a Sophomore in high school, I'm now a Sophomore in college. I write when I feel like it, which is not very often, so I average like 5 chapters a year... maybe. This reupload isn't changing that. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer when writing something like this: I am not a doctor; don't take medical advice from this piece of fiction. Or any piece of fiction. Actually, do take this piece of medical advice: get a flu shot. Other than that, don't. I did my research on google, and specifically tried to make it accurate for over almost 20 years ago.

**Apartment of ADA Alexandra Cabot**

**Monday September 18th, 2000,**

**6:00AM**

I wake-up to the familiar pain in my abdomen, I knew it was coming, I attempted to prepare for this, just like I do every month, but I can’t. I can handle my period, barely, but then in the middle of my cycle this happens, the pain is so bad I don’t want to get out of bed, but I am an ADA, the detectives aren’t off today so I can’t be either. I slowly slide out of bed hoping not to exacerbate the pain.

I wake up early on these days so I have extra time to get ready, when the pain is this bad I move incredibly slowly, I need the time so I’m not late. I can’t be late, I’m never late, everyone at the office would know something was wrong. I knock back four tablets of advil, knowing it will 

have little effect on the fire in my belly, but at this point any kind of pain relief is better than nothing. 

The heat from the shower dulls the pain a bit, but not much, and the moment I exit the glass stall any relief is gone. A wave of nausea overcomes me and I rush over to my toilet, vomiting up the pills and whatever I had for dinner last night, I take the medication again and then put on a dress. While female ADAs rarely wore dresses, there was no way I could wear the tight skirts that one typically wore with those suits. I put on my make-up and do my hair, avoiding brushing my teeth in case my stomach rebelled again. 

When the clock shows ten minutes before I normally leave I brush my teeth, grateful to get the awful taste of vomit out of my mouth. I toss the toothbrush and toothpaste into my purse along with a small bottle that contained every OTC pain reliever I could think of, aleve, advil, tylenol, excedrin, and midol. I knew that if I alternated pills I could take something every 3 or 4 hours without ODing, and that because it was now 7:30, and I took the pills at about 6:30, I had at least another 2 hours to go. 

**Outside 1-6 Presencent**

**Monday, September 18th, 2000**

**8:00AM**

Normally, I’d walk the five blocks to the SVU office, where I was today lacking both a court date and a case that I needed to work on, but I could barely make it out of my apartment so I took a cab. Upon entering the station, I see Oliva is rushing out to Mercy, not wanting to be with a bunch of men I decide to tag along. 

**Mercy Hospital**

**Monday, September 18th, 2000**

**8:30AM**

When we get to the hospital, a young girl, about 14, with long auburn hair pulled into a braid revealing her bright blue eyes that show her intense fear, is sitting on an exam table in a thin paper robe, this is not an unfamiliar sight to me, but it still rattles me to my core. When Benson enters the curtained off area, I follow her. 

“Hello my name is Olivia, I’m a detective, and this is Alex Cabot, she’s an attorney.”

“Hello, I’m Lily.” the kid has impeccable manners, to introduce herself so politely in these circumstances.

“We’re trying to call your mom and dad.” The girl cowers Olivia’s statement. 

“Lilly, do you not want us to call your parents?” I ask

“Please don’t, they’ll be mad at me.” She replies

At this the detective kneels by the table next to the young girl “Honey, this isn’t your fault, they won’t be mad at you for something you couldn’t have caused.” 

“They don’t care, it was my job to protect my chastity and virtue, they’ll be mad.” Is her reply. 

I notice a confused look on Olivia’s face, almost joining her in confusion, but then I realize that our vic is LDS. Meaning that she is bound to end up feeling at least partially guilty for the attack and that her parents will be mad at her, the religion values a woman near exclusively on her virginity and if she is to lose that, regardless of circumstance, she’ll considered worthless. I walk up behind Liv who is kneeled next to the girl.

“Let me take this” I whisper into her ear and then pull a wheelchair that was abandoned by the bed and sit in it. 

“Are you LDS?” I ask.

“Yes ma’am” 

“Liv, don’t call her parents just yet.” I command

With that a doctor comes in carrying a white box, “Do I need to wait for them to begin?” She asks, then introduces herself as Dr. Lisa Edwards, she appears to be in her mid to late twenties, her straight red hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and her face is covered in freckles. 

“Can we just get this over with?” Asks Lily. “I would really like to be done with this before my parents get here, they’ll be really mad.” The poor kid is more afraid of her parents than a kit, and for once, I don’t think she’s wrong. 

The doctor can see the two of us are still talking to the girl and waits.

“Why are you so afraid of your parent’s Lily?” Asks the detective.

“Can you please tell her Ms. Cabot, I don’t think she’ll understand if I tell her.” Pleads the girl, this is the first time a vic has ever preferred me over Olivia, but I guess my small amount of knowledge on the cult like religion that most likely has consumed the majority of the young teenagers life, gives me a small connection, that isn’t enough to judge her, and is comforting. 

“Sure, Lily. Olivia, in the LDS church a girl’s virginity is really important, the church teaches that it is the most important part of them, and that they must guard it with their lives.” 

“My mom said she’d rather me come home in a pine box with my virtue than alive without it.” Lily adds, “Ms. Cabot, how did you know that? Were you LDS?” 

“No, Lily, I’m not, but I once prosecuted a case involving the LDS church, I had to do a lot of research on the topic.” I decide to leave out that the case was prosecuting the leader of an LDS church, and that I did the research to figure out how to bait him on the stand.

Liv exits the room and motions for me to do the same, presumably to talk about our young victim’s dilemma. Upon my attempt to rise from the chair, protests come from not only my abdomen but Lily as well, so I sit down and we stay in the area.

“When and how are we going to contact her parents?” Olivia asks, almost as to acknowledge her approval of my leadership in the situation. 

“If it’s okay with Lily, I was thinking we complete the exam prior to contacting her parents, upon doing so we will inform them simply that she has been mugged.” I scheme.

“Aren’t her parents going to be looking for her? Can she even consent to the kit? Is this legal?” Olivia’s question fire in rapid succession.

Her first question is answered by Lily thankfully,as the pain I was in made the cunning strategies I usually produce with ease difficult to concoct, “My parents aren’t expecting me home for another four hours, I was on my way to the library when it happened and they don’t have a public phone, so my parents don’t expect me to check in.” The words are near melodic as it means I don’t have to use any more brain power to untangle the messed up web that is the interactions of that family. 

As for the answer to her other two questions I am made grateful for the fact I have committed the state of New York’s ordinances regarding all aspects of rape, including evidence collection, to my mind so well I could recall them as rapidly as I could my own name. As she answered the first question I managed to pull together a coherent string of words “In the state of New York a minor is allowed to give informed consent to all forms of medical care pertaining to a sexual assault, including evidence collection, STD testing and contraceptive services. From a legal perspective not only are we allowed not to disclose that she has been assaulted, but we can’t without her consent, so we are completely in the clear.” 

“Well, on that note, Lily, are you okay with me performing evidence collection?” Asks the kind doctor who was waiting patiently on Olivia, Lily and me to finish our conversation.

“Yes ma’am.” Is her response, her voice is shakey, I’m sure it had been the entire time and I have been too caught up in myself to notice. 

Taking it as a cue I once attempt to rise once again, and as I make it to my feet the girl looks at me with sheer terror in her eyes, “Please Ms. Cabot, can you stay with me, I’m scared.” I watch a single tear drip down her left cheek, as the doctor opens the white box that has been a savior to me in many trials, the magnitude of her situation must have set in. 

“Of course Lily, and please call me Alex, do you want Olivia to stay and take your statement, or she can do it later at the station, whichever you prefer.” I answer, grateful to move less, however I do attempt to stand next to the bed, in case the doctor needed to access her from up here. 

“I think I’d rather wait.” She says 

“Alex, you’re welcome to sit back down.” Grants the young doctor, and I plant myself in the chair. 

She asks her medical history, I am honestly surprised at how well the girl answers the questions, when I glance at my watch I realize I am past due for pain pills, the time reading 10.

“Lily, I’ll be right back, I need to use the restroom.”

“Okay Alex.” 

“Down the hall,” says the doctor.

I knock back the pills quickly, praying nobody saw me, it feels weird to take pills in a hospital when you’re not a patient. 

They are done with the history when I re-enter the room.

The doctor scrapes beneath her nails and takes pictures of her bruised chest, neck and stomach, after which the child extends her hand and I reach grasp it, hoping I can provide her at least some comfort, not that much was possible for a vic but before I can the doctor interrupts:

“Alex, if you hold her hand you’ll need to wear gloves” She says passing me a box of said object. I put them on and then grasp the child’s hand.

Her mouth is then swabbed, then her bruises, the doctor works her way down, finally finishing after what feels like forever but was in reality twenty minutes. 

“Lily these are the underwear you were wearing at the time, correct?” Asks the doctor. 

“Yes ma’am” 

“Okay I’m going to place down a sheet of paper and then I want you to scoot down and put your legs in on these holders.” Instructs the doctor.

I move down with her, my seat positioned at her head.

“I am going to remove your underwear now, okay?” She’s attempting to make Lily feel like she’s in control.

“Yes ma’am” The teenager replies flushing red. 

I hear the sniping of scissors on the fabric. The girl looks mortified, I attempt to console her giving her the same stupid line one always is offered during these types of exams “She does this all the time, you don’t need to be embarrassed.” I whisper into her ear.

“Lily, I need to collect a sample of pubic hair, are you okay with that?” The woman’s trying to be nice, but it honestly feels patronizing, I want to snap at her, the pain makes my tolerance level for this kind of stuff quite low, but I grit my teeth and power though.

“I am going to begin the internal exam now, did he penetrate you vaginally or anally?” 

The child looks confused so I decide to simplify. “Which hole did he put it in? Could you tell?” I attempt to ask gently, although it feels quite crass.

“The front one. It hurt, will the swabbing thing hurt?” she asks, revealing just how little she knew about sex, and the shame she felt about the act couldn’t help.

“It might, it depends on if there’s any tearing.” The doctor says “I’m going to put this inside you vaginia and gently touch the sides with it okay?” 

“Okay, so the front one is my vagina, right?” I don’t laugh, as much as I want to, but instead answer her question.

“Yes.” I reply, matter of factly, I’d been with the girl for over an hour, I knew these could take over four, and offending her with any kind of tone to imply she was stupid is not the way to go.

Her grip tightens on my hand “It hurts, is it over?” she asks

“That’s done, are you on your period?” asks the doctor.

“Uhh...” Is the teens response 

“You don’t need to be embarrassed, it’s something we’ve all gone though,” I attempt to help, the question reminding me of my problems.

“No, I’m not, why?” she sounds mortified. 

“Well there was a bit of blood on the swab, I’ll need to do a better exam, but I think you’ll need stitches.” I watch as her embarrassment turns back to fear. 

“I’m going to insert the speculum, it’ll let me get a better look at the tear, okay?” She nods and then grips my hand like a vice, I gently squeeze back, remembering my college roommate doing the same for me when my pain got bad, it was oddly reassuring, almost like a conversation.

“Okay there is about an inch long tear, and that’s going to need some stitches, I’m done collecting evidence. Do you want me to sew the tear?” The doctor informs

“Yes” is her reply.

“I’m going to spray a topical anesthetic to numb it a little bit, while we wait for that to take effect, we can talk about what I found.”

Lily nods. 

“Alex you don’t have to wear the glove anymore.” I take off the purple sweat holder and give it to the doctor who was reaching to grab it. 

“Lily” She starts “I found semen, which means he didn’t wear a condom, this means you can become pregnant and may have STDs, which are diseases spread through sex. I can give you medicine that’ll prevent certain STDs, I took a swab I can run for the other ones and I can tell you the results in a few hours if you want me to test it. Do you want the medicine and the test?”

“Yeah, but how do I get the results, I won’t be here, will I?” 

“No, but you’ll probably be at the police station, I can call Olivia with the results, she’ll be taking your statement anyway.” 

“Okay ” She was dropping the manners, finally, it was slightly creepy.

“Now, you also could get pregnant, I can give you a medicine that could stop that from happening if it’s about to happen, but if there is already a baby growing it won’t abort it.”

“Will my parents know?” she asks.

“Only if you tell them.” I respond. 

“Okay, give me that.” she decides.

The doctor tends to the various wounds she found. Once all of that was done, Olivia came back into the room, got the kit, and the three of us went back to the station.


	2. Chapter 2

**1-6 Presencent SVU Squadroom**

**Monday, September 18th, 2000**

**10:00PM**

The plan with Lily went on without a hitch, Liv and I worked on the case, the detective was obviously consumed in her work as she failed to notice the two of us were the only ones left in the squad room, under normal circumstances her hot headed partner would be slaving alongside her, but Kathy had been nagging him recently about his hours, so he ducked out around five to make it up to her. The others slipped out one by one and it was now ten PM, the reason I remained in the junction point for justice and the worst humanity has to offer was the fact that Olivia mentioned something about a break when Cregan, the last of the boys, was heading out, normally his departure would be my clue as to vacate the premises, but if Liv needed a warrant I wanted to be here to get it for her, even though that was an hour ago, and she hasn’t said anything since.

However, I was in sheer agony. It felt as though there was an icepick being driven through my spine by Arnold Schwarzenegger while a blender was being taken to my uterus. I was working on my opening for a bastard who bashed in a NYU freshman’s skull after sneaking in through her open window and raping her. I stood up to grab some water, I rose as slowly as possible, but that was evidently too fast, as I was hit with a blinding pain, the only thing I was able to do was collapse as carefully as possible to the floor, trying to wind my body into itself as I fell to the ground. Olivia comes across to Stabler's desk, that I invaded upon his departure.

“Alex” she yells, my name is one short sharp syllable. “What’s wrong?” her voice is panicked.

“One.. one- min-.. one minute” I choke on the words, unable to really speak, I screw my eyes shut and clench my teeth together 

“I’m calling a bus.” she says.

“No- one- min- minute, I-- ca- can ex---plain,-- l, -- let i-t pa--ss” I beg, gasping in between each mangled word. 

“How can I help?” she asks. 

“Noth- nothing - you can-- do, -just - it - hurts.” I start to cry.

“What hurts?” Olivia asks

“Cr-- cramps” While not completely true, it was the quickest and simplest way to explain the torture. 

“Here, let’s get you to the cribs” She scoops me in her arms, I wrap my arms around her neck as she walks toward the dark room. 

“Ge-t my bre-if c-case.” I ask as she lay me on a bed. 

“Alex, you look like death warmed over, I’m going to take you to the ER” 

“I- I- just- pills-- I’-I’ll be o-kay” I try to fight 

“No, it doesn’t look like you will.” But in spite of her verbal protest she does as I ask.

She comes back with the white bottle, and shakes out a tablet into my palm, when I register it’s white color I grab the bottle and search for both the pink and green pills, they’re the strongest. Sadly, my attempt is foiled before I could get the relief into me, as I vomit all over myself. 

“Come on, let's get you a shower and a change of clothes, the heat might help.” She’s not wrong, it might. As will the sweats I’ll change into making me more comfortable, but they won’t help enough. I still will be in my own personal hell.

She assists me standing up, not wanting to get my stomach contents on her person, but after a moment it is apparent that I am unable to walk, so she lifts me in a scooping manner and takes me to the showers, I know I got my bodily fluid all over her, and I felt horrible about it. She put me down next to a shower stall 

“I’ll be right back,” she said.

I nod, unwilling to respond in my shaky voice. I sit, curled up in a ball, wanting pull my soiled garment off my body and turn on the water, yet any movement only stands to intensify the impulse to shout in pain which is becoming far more difficult to repress as time goes on. 

My pity party is cut short by the detective who comes back barring two pairs of gray sweatpants, two navy NYPD tee shirts, sized so big I could wear one as a dress, towels and shampoo as well as a bar of soap. 

“Mind if we share the stall?” she asks, there is only one shower stall in the “women’s” locker room, which was just a regular bathroom until the mid-nineties, when the locker rooms became sex segregated to accommodate the influx of female officers, who were being sexually harassed under the co-ed arrangement. 

“S-ure, I, I ah, I don’t th-ink, I’ll be ab-able to ta-ke off my clothes, by- by myself.” 

“I’ll help you, can you stand up?” 

“Uhh, I’ll try” I respond not wanting to make the seemingly simple task turn into something an engineer couldn’t accomplish. 

After striping off her clothes, she assists as I rise to my feet, I was still bent at an angle more akin to that of a gorilla than a human, but the dress came off, as well as my undergarments and glasses, and I then retreat back to my ball. Olivia turns on the taps at first the ice water hits my skin, and it each one feels like a small needle hitting my skin, and intensifies the war in my belly, I let out a pained moan causing the brunette detective to crouch down to my level.

“It will warm up in a second, sorry.” Liv tries to comfort 

“I-t’s o-ka-y” 

The nude detective regains her footing and not long after the water heats up, eventually I stand up and attempt to wash some small chunks of post-digested food out of my hair. The pain wasn’t as bad, but it still hurt like hell, I’m careful to keep my body folded in the angle that best relieves both abdominal and back pain while I could still run the cheap shampoo though my hair, the methanol scent leads me to believe that the shampoo was Elliot’s, Olivia probably ran out of her own, under normal circumstances I never would’ve used it, but I decided vomit was probably worse for my hair than the off-brand dandruff shampoo. 

“Are you done?” She asks moving to turn off the taps.

“Yeah.” 

She grabs a towel from beside the stall, hands one to me and then wraps one around herself. I attempt to dry off, but as I fail miserably Olivia tries to help me. She aids me in my attempt to slide the oversized tee on to my still damp body, and giggles slightly as I shimmy into my underwear and the pants. The older brunette guides me back to the cribs and I go back into the tight ball I was in before the incident. 

Another cramp hits, hard. I shout in pain and at that Olivia takes charge. 

“Alex, you need to go to the hospital, this is not normal.” She urges

“They- think I’m-” I fight with the words, “they-”

“They who?” She asks 

“The- the- doctors- they- they think- it’s all in- in my head.” 

“What do you mean?” She asks, grabbing her purse.

“I- I get this pain- in the- in the middle-” I have to break for a moment as the agony is no longer allowing me to communicate with the detective turn caregiver.

“The middle of what?” 

The entire story was hard to explain with the amount of brevity required by the demanding misery, so I do my best to answer her question without hinting at the fact that I had pretty bad pain since the beginning of law school, and started to reach these excruciating proportions in the past year since I was assigned to sex crimes. I needed to get across that the doctors think it’s all in my head.

“middle- of my menst- menstrual cycle.”

“I thought you said it was cramps.”  To

“It - feels--- feels like cramps-- it’s hard- to explain -- whi--while I’m like this”

“They’ll have to believe you when you’re like this, and I’ll make sure of it” 

I nod in response and with that she scoops me up into her arms and carries me into her car. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Mercy Hospital**

**Monday, September 18th, 2000**

**10:30PM**

I am taken back into the ER and put on a bed as soon as we arrive, it wasn’t a minute after I lay down that the same young doctor that treated Lily comes in.

“Miss Cabot, Detective Benson, I wasn’t expecting to see you again, is everything okay with the case?” she asks thankfully not inquiring about our matching clothing 

“Yeah, everything with Lily is fine, everything with Alex, not so much.” Olivia replies.

“What’s wrong?” she inquires

“A few hours ago she fell over in the squad room, she vomited a few times and she can barely move. At first she said she had menstrual cramps and now she said the pain comes in the middle of her cycle. She seems to be in too much pain to talk, so I can’t tell you the entirety of her problem, this is the first I’ve heard of it.” Explains Olivia.

“Let’s give her some morphine, and I’ll perform a pelvic exam.” 

Liv assisted me into a hospital gown, and then Dr. Edwards re-enters the room along with a young, hispanic nurse. I lay back down and place my legs in the stirrups, the nurse taps my left arm and I offer my limb, a sharp stick in my hand, followed by a burning sensation, I knew the fiery liquid would soon provide relief. 

Right after the IV is inserted the doctor said “I’m going to examine you now, okay?” 

I nod, still consumed in pain and not trusting my own voice. She begins and once she inserts the speculum I girmice, the agony intensifying from the cold instrument being placed inside me. The detective noticed my face contorting and grasps my hand, just as she had for many victims, tears run down my cheeks and I clutch it as hard as I can, biting my tongue in a desperate attempt to keep from screaming. I try to control my breathing, I knew in a few moments the anesthetic would kick in and provide me a welcomed reprieve from my torture. 

“Alex, shhh, look at me” Olivia coos

The doctor clicks open the device wider, I let out a scream I’m unable to suppress.

“The morphine should be kicking in soon.” she attempts to comfort sitting between my legs

She was right, the morphine did kick in, but it didn’t help much, I continued to control my breathing, and once she finished the exam, I am questioned about my history. 

“Ms. Cabot-”

“Alex” I cut off.

“Alex, what exactly is happening?” inquires the doctor

“In the middle of my menstrual cycle I get these really bad pains, I went to my gyno but he said he didn’t see anything abnormal and insisted I was making it up.”

“And how long ago was that?” she asks 

“About six months ago.” I remember taking off for the appointment, my first, and only time since joining SVU

“Was that when your symptoms started?” 

“No, they probably started being bad right around the time I started at SVU, so like a year, but I’ve always had some pain with ovulation, it became noticeable in college though.” At that Olivia shakes a little, probably beating herself up for not noticing.

“Is your menstrual cycle regular?” 

“Depends on how you define regular, most of the time I have a three to five day window when I know I’m going to start, but there have been times when I was really early, I was only late once back in college, I’m sure you can guess how that went, but it came a week later” Olivia laughs in a way that tells me she knows exactly what happened, in far more detail then she wishes she did.

“Are your periods particularly heavy or painful?” 

“They’re a bitch to me, pain wise, but I mean nothing like what I had today, and I suppose they might be heavy.” 

“How many sanitary products do you go through in a day?” 

I really hate the word sanitary products, I think to myself, then respond “About 8 super plus tampons” 

“That certainly qualifies as heavy. Any pain with intercourse?”

That is when I notice the clipboard. 

I blush a little, Olivia notices, “Do you want me to step outside.” 

“No”, I reply, “I mean, you’ve seen me naked, vomit, have a pelvic exam and heard more about my menstrual cycle than anyone, and that’s just in the past four hours, I’m mortified, but I’m even more terrified, you’re my best friend, I kinda just don’t care anymore, also I’m slightly high, yet still in pain and I really should stick to short answers and please stay.” I then begin to cry again, confused and in pain, the morphine beginning to take hold of my brain, but still not helping enough.

“Of course Alex.” she says squeezing my hand not unlike I did this morning.

“So Miss Cabot, any pain with intercourse?” She presses

“I prosecute sex crimes, between the time the job demands and the material causing me to lose my faith in men all together, I haven’t had sex in a while, but umm, I have had to stop while uhh ” I feel the blood rush into my cheeks but decide I need to continue “ _taking care of my needs.”_

“Due to pain?” She inquiries.

“Yes” I admit.

“Based on all I’ve heard, I think you might have endometriosis.” God, I was afraid of that.

“Why-what- I told my other doctor all of this” (okay maybe not the sex stuff but still) “I did my research, even asked point blank if it could be endometriosis, and he said that it isn’t likely.”

“This consumed so much of your head space that you did research on it and I still never noticed that you were nearly incapacitated? Some cop I am.” Olivia scolds herself

“Liv, I’m an attorney, after three years of nearly constantly researching nearly everything, going to using the same set of information the majority of the time leds to me entertaining myself with weird research topics. Last week I spent three hours in the library looking into whether an illiterate person could feasibly graduate high school after a joke made about candidate Bush.” I don’t know why I care so much that she doesn’t feel bad for my own failure at showing even a hint of vulnerability, or why I’m glad that she does, but I suppose there is a reason why I didn’t insist on getting a cab. My analysis of my odd relationship with my relatively new friend is cut short by the doctor answering my question that I had meant more for god than her.

“It can take many years for a patient to be diagnosed, because many times pain associated with a specific part of the cycle is thought to be made up, when it causes infertility is usually when the condition begins to be taken seriously.” So me being responsible and not wanting to bring kids into this fucked up world means my disease isn’t going to be caught.

“What is end-o-met-re-oisis?” Asks Olivia looking lost.

“It is a condition that causes the endometrium, the lining of the uterus, to deposit in places in the pelvic cavity outside the uterus, it is controlled by the same hormones that dictate menstruation, so it builds and shed just as if it were not ectopic, as that tissue builds during the cycle it can put pressure on the ovaries, rectum, bladder or wherever it has implanted, this pressure can cause quite a bit of pain.” 

“Is it fatal?” She appeared to be having a difficult time processing all the information that has just been thrown at her, her eyes were wide but the rest of her face was blank.

“Only in a few very rare circumstances.” The doctor reassures.

“But the disease itself is pretty rare, right?” The detective asks

“Endometriosis is actually more prevalent than asthma, it is estimated to affect between 8 and 10 percent of women, but due to the stigma regarding menstruation and the female reproductive anatomy in general, the public lacks awareness, it isn’t well researched and wasn’t taught about in med schools until more recently.” Explaining why doctor Goldstine wrote me off, I swear he was in the first class that graduated from William and Mary. 

“So is there a test? How do we confirm that I have endo?” I ask, hoping to get a definitive diagnosis.

“Laparoscopic surgery, you can get it done tonight or, I can give you medication to help with the pain for now and you can come back at a later date to confirm the diagnosis, excise some of the legions, and make a treatment plan.” It is now I realize that I’ll need surgery just to get a definitive name, which is a luxury time won’t afford me, because I have court tomorrow. 

“I’ll take the pills please.” I’ve given up with fighting fate with this. 

I’m tired, and regardless of what I’m on, I experience some degree of torture with every breath and movement regardless how small, and Donnally would freak the fuck out if I missed the Harris trial, so I’m just going to have to accept the fact that every month I will have to deal with Alex Cabot’s Secret Lady Hell. 

“Surgery is the only way to confirm it?” asks the detective who isn’t near as beat down as myself.

“In many cases doctors treat based on the theory that the patient suffers from endo, but non-surgical methods only combat the pain, not the cause, they suppress the menstrual cycle or simply relieve pain, but do not remove the legions, and even if the lesions are excised it is still very likely they will come back.”

“Damned if I do, damned if I don’t” I chime in.

“So what happens now?” I hear Olivia ask.

“Well, I’ll prescribe some pain medication and give Alex a referral to a specialist, and then you’re free to go.” 

I breathe a sigh of relief not wanting to spend anymore time in this fluorescent lit purgatory, I’m going to be suffering regardless of my location, so I’d rather writhe in pain in the comfort of my own home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Tuesday, September 19th, 2000**

**12:00 AM**

Olivia dropped me off at my apartment at five after midnight, took my key and went after my medication. I grabbed the heating pad and curled up in my bed. Not long after I flipped on the TV to see a rerun of Leno, I heard the key turning in my lock. The detective entered my bedroom carrying a small bag, she ripped it open and placed an orange bottle that reads, Vicodin, Alexandra Cabot, Take one pill once every 4-6 for pelvic pain. Vicodin, that’ll be nice for tonight, I’ll be able to get some sleep, but I can’t take it tomorrow, I’ll be too fuzzy in the courtroom. In my calculations I missed Olivia walking into my bathroom and getting a cup of water. 

She places it on my nightstand next to the pills, I open the bottle and with a gulp of tap water I swallow one.

“Olivia, go home and get some sleep. Thank-you for helping me tonight, I’ll be fine now.” I say 

“Like hell you will, I’m staying here tonight, you can barely move, there’s no way you can take care of yourself, especially once those kick in.”

“Fine, I think there’s a spare toothbrush under the sink, and you’re about my size-

“There’s no way, you as thin as that gymnast we investigated last month, besides I can’t wear one of your 1,000 dollar suits to chase perps, I’ll just wear this.” She contends 

“You better not wear sweats to court, and they are not that expensive, I have some slacks and a short sleeve blouse that should fit you, a friend left them here” 

Olivia laughs in agreement and after a moment walk over to my bathroom, deciding that these giant sweats weren’t gonna work.

“What are you doing?” asks Olivia, who was engrossed by the middle-aged comedian's interview of Jennifer Aniston.

“Changing into something a little less sack like.” I reply, “Do you want PJs or are those okay?” 

“These are fine” She insists.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” I walk into my bathroom and remove the sweats and shirt, trading them for a loose fitting (yet not hanging off) pair of flannel PJ pants and a spaghetti strap top, and slowly proceed back to the bed.

“I have an early day tomorrow, where can I grab a pillow for the couch?”

“Don’t be silly, Olivia, this is a queen, you can join me in here, it’ll be more comfortable.” I reason.

“Are you sure?” She questions.

“Yeah, seriously, I was pet sitting a while back, and the dog laid down in the bed and the extra heat seems to help.” I tell her, nostalgic for the St. Bernard fur-beast that invaded my bed a few months ago, almost made me consider getting a dog, almost.

“Are you implying I’m a dog?” Olivia mocking offence at then comment. 

“Of course not, I just have the same amount of use for you and a St. Bernard named Bernice.” I joke back, realising that the pills are loosening my mouth as well as the pain in my back. “The pills are working, I feel kinda foggy, I’m gonna go to sleep, you can keep the TV on if you want, the alarm is set for 6.” I tell my friend.

“You can’t possibly be going in tomorrow.” 

“I’ve worked in the same amount of pain, the only difference between this time and every other month is that I was at the station, and you saw.” My words obviously have an impact on her, she looks as though the war that is still raging in my abdomen that has only been slightly quelled by the medication that is somehow her fault. 

“Lex, I’m so sorry I didn’t notice sooner.” 

“It’s not your fault, I hid it, it embarses me that I can’t handle a little lady pain.” I admit

“A little lady pain, Alex, you are very obviously dealing with something far worse than menstrual cramps, besides, the doctor said you have endometriosis, so there are medical reasons for your pain, not lack of pain tolerance.” She reasons.

“I know, but I don’t want my sex to hold me back in my career, something inside me wants to rebel against the fact that this is based upon my reproductive system.” 

“I know the feeling, right before you came to SVU there was an eighteen hour stakeout on the second day of my cycle, we couldn’t leave for anything. I bled through my slacks within 4 hours, and I had a killer migraine. Elliot told me to go home, that he had it covered, but I didn’t listen, long story short, when we finally arrested the bastard my pants were quite red and Munch and Fin made a few jokes at my expense before I threatened to shoot them both, hasn’t been brought up since.” I make no attempt to stifle my laughter as she tells the story, and it seems Olivia has dropped her opposition to me going to work tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Office of Bureau Chief ADA Elizabeth Donnelly**

**Tuesday, September 19th, 2000**

**5:54 PM**

After the trial and some more reading on I walk into Elizabeth Donnelly's office “I’m going to need some time off soon.” I state after taking a deep breath.

“Why?” The question was not intended to sound harsh, but as is her normal tone of voice, it sounds accusatory. 

“It has been recommended I get surgery, I can do this at any time, so I was hoping to figure out when it would best fit in with the schedule.” 

“For what?” She sounds, nurturing, well, I doubt nurturing is the term a person who didn’t know the typically hard ass attorney would use, but for Donnelly, it was nurturing. 

“I- something happened last night while I was at the station, Olivia took me to the ER, I was given a probable diagnosis, and I was told surgery is the only way to confirm and treat it, but I’ve been living with the disease for quite some time, and there’s no guarantee the surgery will even do anything it’s-” I’m cutoff

“Alexandra, what is the disease?” 

“Endometriosis” I keep my answer short, keeping myself from revealing too much information. 

“Which is...”

I feel my cheeks turning red hot, “Essentially, I have tissue growing on my- reproductive system where- it shouldn’t. It- it causes me a lot of- pain, nearly debilitating, when I ovulate"

“Why didn’t you ask for time off or stay home sick, if you were in that much pain, you really didn’t have to work.” My boss uncharacteristically scolds, never before had she cared about my well being.

“I was embarrassed, my gender shouldn’t get in the way of my work and this whole ordeal is completely humiliating.” 

“Alexandra, you are tough as hell, proved that with the Barrera case” She brings back the memory of how I got the nickname Teflon, and of how I handled being hung out to dry as a really young, inexperienced ADA, which in many ways I still am, but god, that case was only a few months ago and it feels like a lifetime. 

"Exactly", I reply getting of memory lane "which goes to show why I should be stronger than this."

"Alex, you don't get to stand in front of a judge and present your case against your body. I don't think any less of you for admitting this, and you need to take care of yourself, you can take off whenever you need. We'll survive a few weeks without you."

"Thanks, for everything, I think I needed to be told that."

"So when are you thinking you'll take off?" Now she's going to be forcing me to do this.

"Well, I'm going to a specialist tomorrow, so I guess it'll be determined from there, I probably will need no more than a week for recovery, and I really don't want anyone to know I would appreciate discretion on my absence”

“Just how evil do you think I am? This stays between us.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and then ask

“Are we done here?” I ask

“Yes” With that I begin to walk out and when Donnelly speaks again “Oh- and Alex, I’m sorry you have to go through this, you have my number if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” 

“Thanks.” I say, feeling the pain come back, and placing a hand on my stomach, gently pressing in an attempt to relieve it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Lobby of the District Attorney's Office**

**Tuesday, September 19th, 2000**

**6:36PM**

I leave to grab a cab knowing that there was no way for me to walk home, but a hand grabs me on the way out, I turn to attack, and then I hear a familiar voice.

“Whoa, Alex, it’s me. Sorry, I shouldn’t have grabbed you.” 

“It’s okay.” I respond, hearing the trendiness of my own voice. 

“Here, let’s get you home.” She hails a cab

Once inside, the pain continues to worsen so I decide to unbuckle the seatbelt to keep the thing from digging into it and making it sear even more than it did to begin with. Unable to remain upright I fall onto Olivia’s lap, and curl into a ball, crying. Olivia runs her hand to my back and strokes it back and forth. 

"Are you going to the specialist?" She asks

I simply nod in affirmation, and after a moment I add "My appointment is tomorrow morning at 8, if you'd be willing to come." At least that's how I wanted it to be added, it came out breath-y and stuttered and desperate.

"Alex, of course I'll come, but- don't you have anyone else? I mean, I've only known you for a few months and this seems like something that you'd get a best friend to do with you."

The cab stops at my building, Olivia walks to the trunk and grabs my briefcase and her gym bag, before we walk into my dwelling allowing me to dodge the question until we enter my home.

"You're planning on staying over," I retort gesturing to the duffle bag. "Seems rather friendly as well, but if you must know, I haven't been in New York long, I mean, I was born and raised but I went to Harvard for law school and thus lost most of my close friends. Lord knows I don't date, and so I'm left with the job, making you my closest friend at the moment."

Olivia ponders for a moment and then says "I guess I'm the same way, well I have El, but I think that furthers the point, and anyway, I had to run home during lunch, so I figured I might as well pack a bag just in case." 

"Thanks, seriously, I'm such a mess and I have no clue where I'm going in life-" tears start to sting my eyes 

"I thought you were going into politics." 

"Maybe. I don’t know. Really- really I just wish I could go a month without this.” I full on sob

“It’s okay. Come here.” She wraps me in an embrace. 

I walk into my bathroom, keeping my hand across my painful abdomen. I take the pills Liv got me last night, take down my hair, pull on a baby blue pajama tee shirt and the matching pants, and pop a vicodin. Olivia is changing into a spaghetti strap undershirt and a pair of boxer shorts she stole from Elliott or an ex although I'm guessing the former. 

I fell asleep quickly, clinging to a heating pad on my stomach and wedging another between Olivia and my back. 

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Wednesday, September 20th, 2000**

**6:00AM**

Olivia called Cregan and asked for the morning off, citing a leak in her apartment she needed to get fixed, Cregan didn't argue as he was happy she would be taking any time off. I rose from my bed with a loud groan as I knew that the sweet relief of Vicodin and sleep was now gone. 

“Are you okay?” Asks Olivia, hearing my exclamation

The first wave of real pain hits and I scrunch my face and pound my hand into my stomach. I take a few shallow breaths and let out another moan before laying back down curled up in a ball.

“Just- give me a min-minute. You can take- take the first shower.”

“Does the heat not help?” She asks, presumably because she doesn’t want to prevent me from relief 

“It doesn’t help much, certainly not enough to justify moving right now.” I explain

“I’ll be quick, and I can help you if you need me to.” 

She disappears into my bathroom, I hear the roaring tap, actually, come to think of it, there is another advantage to her showering before me, this way, I wouldn’t feel bad if I took too long and the hot water ran out. 

I curl up tighter, and then I remember what happened two nights ago. This exam is going to hurt. Badly. I consider taking part of a vicodin, because I don’t want to nearly scream again, but I decide against it because I have to go to work after this.

Olivia comes out and I get ready, just as slowly and pitifully as I did yesterday, and the day before.


	7. Chapter 7

**Women’s Health and Wellness Services of Upper Manhattan**

**Wednesday, September 20th, 2000**

**8:00 AM**

I sit on the exam table, wearing a thin gown, cold and scared of the impending pain. It was on the way into the clinic that I decided that I wanted Olivia to come back with me. She sat next to me. 

Within a few minutes the door cracked opened and an Asian women in her mid to late thirties enters. Her hair is shoulder length and she wore a hot pink blouse and light tan slacks underneath her lab coat. 

I always found this dichotomy uncomfortable, I am accustomed to being in control. Here, I’m not. I’m naked save the paper thin gown and a pair of socks, I’m not even wearing panties or a bra. This is how we meet, I’m naked and vulnerable meanwhile she’s dressed nicer than Olivia in court. Although, that’s not even the strangest part of this encounter, because she introduces herself as doctor Cau, extending her hand in a dignified manner as though we’re meeting to discuss a deal, even though in reality she is about to be poking and prodding the most intimate parts of my body in this same interaction. 

But that comes after a bunch of really embarrassing and personal questions.

“I see from when you made the appointment that you are here because you were given a preliminary diagnosis of endometriosis two nights ago, so I’m going to cut to the chase here because I know this isn’t anyone’s idea of fun.”

I let out a small laugh.

“How old were you when you started menstruating?” She wasn’t lying about cutting to the chase.

“The summer between fifth and sixth grade, so however old that is.” 

“When was your last menstrual period?” 

I reach out for Olivia to give me my purse, and find my day runner, I see September twelfth circled in red.

“The twelfth.”

“Do you experience menstrual cramps?” 

Her question almost makes me laugh, pain always accompanied my periods, and the fact she was asking seems more of a formality .

“Yes.”

“On a scale of one to ten?”

I contemplate asking if she meant for a normal person or for me, because there is a huge difference between the two, but the last time I truly hinted to just how severe the pain was, I knew I hurt Olivia.

“Like, about a six I guess.” Is my lame response, I don’t say ‘like’ as a filler word or ‘I guess’, I removed those things from my vocabulary in law school so I wouldn’t sound unsure of myself, but right now, I am unsure. 

“How long in between menstrual periods?”

“Anywhere from twenty five to thirty three days.”

Liv whispers in my ear, trying to make me less tense, “Seems like I’ve got some competition for best interrogator.” 

I laugh, Liv won the title last week when these four teens were suspects in a harassment case, all four of the suspects were about the same age, all were male and had similar personalities. Liv and the boys took this as an opportunity. Their rules were simple, each detective took a kid’s name out of a hat and took them into an interrogation room, and since SVU only had two rooms and Munch argued that the conference room and Cragen's office would give the others an unfair advantage, he and Elliot stayed took the SVU rooms, and Fin and Liv went downstairs and borrowed homicide's rooms. First to get a confession wins and the losers do the winners paperwork for a week. So now I’m reading Oliva’s DD-5s in Munch’s chicken scratch.

“Do you ever experience spotting?”

“No.”

“The pain that brought you to the ER two nights ago, has it occurred before?” 

I explain the entire history of my pain, just like I had at the ER, although this time a little more coherent, I tell her that the pain last about five days, I tell her this has been happening since I was in college, and I tell her that it always happens in the middle of my menstrual cycle. 

“Do you have fertility issues, or do your relatives have any.”

“I’ve been taking precautions to avoid becoming pregnant, and as for my family, I have no clue, I’m an only child, although I always believed that was by choice.”

She continues to ask the questions I answered in the ER.

Then comes the “fun” part, I lay back on the table and follow her instructions on positioning myself. 

“Hey, Lex, remember the other day when Finn said that hearsay should be admissible and then left, why don’t you tell me why he’s wrong.” 

I knew what she was trying to, and as nice as it was, is wasn’t going to work. This is painful, and nothing will change that. I grimace as the doctor inserts the instrument inside my vagina. 

“Thanks,” My voice is airy “For what you’re trying to do, but it’s”- I tightly shut my eyes again- “Not going to work.”

“Okay, just breathe.” She instructs, and order I try to follow.

“Alex, are you experiencing pain?” The doctor asks.

I shake my head in affirmation. 

“I’m almost done.” She says. 

“Ow Ow Ow” I cry out 

“Sorry, just taking out the speculum. I’m going to do a manual exam, you’re just going to feel my finger here.”

It isn’t too terrible until she presses her hand on my lower abdomen. It hurts. Badly. I stifle a scream. 

“It’s almost over Lexi.” I hear Oliva’s raspy voice say softly as she plays with my hair, probably missing her own. 

I’m going to yell at her for calling me “Lexi” later, but in this moment, I’m just so glad I’m not alone. So much of this mess I’ve been alone. Alone as I spit bile up into a cold porcelain basin, alone as I cry myself to sleep, alone as I suffer with pain that seems to defy the rules of nature. 

Doctor Cau finishes the exam, and signals for me to sit up. A nurse removes a needle from my hand. 

“Alex, from what my exam revealed, I’d recommend an exploratory laparoscopic surgery where we may excise some of the tissue.”  
“What would the recovery time look like on that?” 

“A few days, maybe a week, depending on what we find.”

“Would I still be able to have children?” 

“The surgery could impact your fertility, and in some cases we do end up removing parts of the reproductive system, but if preserving your fertility is important to you, we can make sure to leave them intact. Though leaving adhesions does increase the likelihood that we’d need to go back in for a repeat surgery.”

“I don’t think I’m quite ready to close the door on that possibility, so I’d prefer the more conservitive option.” I respond

“Well in that case, when would you like to do this? I have openings tomorrow.”

“I can take off tomorrow.” Olivia says 

“I can’t, besides, I don’t need you to take care of me, I can call a cab to get me home. Maybe Monday”

“Nonsense, I don’t mind, and besides, I’m owed like a month.”

“If you're sure, you don’t have to.”

“I want to, you're my friend.”

“So, Monday?” Asks the doctor. 

“Yes.” We reply in unison.

“I’ll let the secretary know, she’ll tell you the time and give you the pre-op instructions.”

“Thanks.”

“Sure thing, you can clean yourself up and leave.”

She and Olivia exit the room, I get dressed and Oliva and I both go back to work.


	8. Chapter 8

**Riccardo’s Pizza**

**Wednesday, September 20th, 2000**

**12:37 PM**

Olivia and I made the plans for Monday in the cab back to the office and decided to meet here for lunch. 

As she pushes a large slice of cheese pizza and the empty, 22 oz, blue, Pepsi branded cup on a red plastic tray down the mom and pop shop’s metal tray line, I take in the aroma of the melting cheese and cooking meats. Nothing beat New York pizza made by real New Yorkers; except that I was eating a salad today, because the pain was making me nauseous.

When I reach the end of the line, I am castigated by Cecilia, the owner’s wife- she is a broad woman, with curly gray hair, she must have been such a beautiful woman when she was young because she is still quite pretty and she is pushing seventy-five, I have been going here at least once a week since I got back from college and I have never seen her in anything other than a dress and apron.

“Alexandra, why do you only have the rabbit food?” Her accent is thick, which I find odd because she migrated here in nineteen forty six, a story she told me one night when I found myself sitting in here almost an hour after I had finished my food because I didn’t want to go back home to my lonely apartment.

“She’s not feeling well.” Olivia informs her, which is a big mistake, since Cecilia has taken to me like a daughter, likely because her children have grown up and moved far from the city in which they were raised.

“Is this true, _mia_ _patatina_?” She asked looking slightly alarmed.

“I’m fine,  _ Mamma _ . Really.” I reply, calling her the nickname I gave her after she declared me her “little potato”. 

“You said that last week, you didn’t eat much then, either.” The old woman was obviously concerned and I knew she was probably more perceptive than even Olivia, so I find myself deciding it would be easier for us all if I just explained the whole matter.

“You caught me, why don’t you sit with me and Olivia and I’ll explain?” Before the entire sentence left my mouth she was calling Victor- Riccardo’s “ _ buono a nulla _ ” brother- to work the register, even though it was lunch time the restaurant wasn’t crowded, Wednesdays were always a lull for some reason.

Even so, when we sat down, Cecilia took the seat facing the register, because she had caught him stealing from the register, she had wanted to fire him, but her husband wouldn’t have it. She had once told me, that was the biggest fight they’d had in fifty five years of marriage. 

As I poke around the leafy greens in front of me, I begin

“You see,  _ Mamma _ , I’ve been having really bad pain, and I finally went to the doctor, and she told what was wrong and I am getting surgery on Monday that should help it.” The watered down story should keep me from her giving me the third degree about not taking care of myself.

“What’s wrong,  _ mia patatina _ ?” 

“I have a condition called endometriosis.” I explain, praying she doesn’t ask more about it.

“Is it deadly? Do you need help afterwards?” She asks, the way she seems to ask about computers, asking only how something affects her and her loved ones, but never exactly what it is, I know that she was illiterate until one of the girls she took under her wing, like she did myself, taught her how to read, she never asked me what something was because it would “go over my head”.

“No, I’ll be fine and Olivia is going to take care of me.” I say smiling at the detective with her chopped locks.

“Are you the  _ lesbiche _ ,”- she paused a moment searching for the word in her non-native tongue “like Ellen?” She asked, somewhere between shock and disgust, although leaning towards them former.

“No, we’re just friends.” I reassure bringing a smile back to her face.

“Here come some customers, I should take care of them instead of that  _ parassita pigro.” _

“Bye Mamma” I say as she hurries to the trio of businessmen.

“My Italian may be a little rusty, but did she just call Victor a lazy parasite?” Olivia whispers.

“Yeah, they- they don’t get along too well, I didn’t know you speak Italian.” I try to change the subject.

“Yeah, and some Spanish and French, you?”

“I know French and a little Spanish and Italian, I kinda taught myself though.” I reply.

“How does one teach themselves a language?” She raises an eyebrow.

“I took five years of Latin in middle and high school, and three credits of it in college, used that to then learn the other three by living here, although I did take 2 years of French as well.”

“So you’re fluent in Latin?” She asks

“Yep. It’s useless until you’re trying to learn the romance languages or are using it to speak better English.”

“Say something in Latin”

“ _ hodie es pulcherrimus, quod sum cum te.” _

She gives me a look.

“Today is the most pretty, because I am with you.”

“The most pretty?” She asks

“It works in Latin.”

She laughs then says

“I asked Cregan for the time, and I can be with you for up to a week if you need me, and I told him you were going to be out for at least as long as I am and that you are going to explain it all.”

“Gee, thanks.” I roll my eyes.

“Hey, I thought you’d want to be able to tell him as much or as little as you want.”

“No, really though, it’s fine, I’m going to go back to the station with you to make my announcement.” 

“Do you need me to stay with you tonight?” She asks as we get up and take our trays back to the kitchen to say hi to Riccardo.” 

“I should be fine, maybe if you could stay with me Sunday night though? You know, help calm my nerves?” I ask

“Sure thing” she replies as we wave to the busy old man throwing dough. 

We walk to the station.


	9. Chapter 9

**Office of Don Cregan**

**Wednesday, September 20th, 2000**

**1:58PM**

“Hey, Cap” Olivia yells to her bald boss as we enter.

“Alex, Olivia said you’d be stopping by, what’s up?” he ask.

“I just wanted to inform you that I’ll be out for some of next week, and I know Olivia told you she’d be with me.” I begin

“Romantic vacation?” He asks, looking at Olivia 

“No!” Olivia yells

“I am having surgery, and Olivia has volunteered to help me afterwards.” I explain.

“Do you mind if I ask what for?” Always the gentleman, that one.

“I have a condition called endometriosis, and I am having surgery to rectify it.” 

“Can I get a hint as to what endometriosis is?” He asks.

“It is an incredibly painful disease of the female reproductive system.” I answer, which seems to be enough to please him.

  
  


**1-6 Presencent SVU Squadroom**

**Wednesday, September 20th, 2000**

**2:04PM**

As I cross the threshold between the Captain's office and the squad room, I notice Munch darting toward the elevator, afraid I was about to berate him for not completing his paperwork. 

“I’m not here for you, Munch- this time.” I yell across the room. “I have an announcement.” I shout equally loud. 

Stabler scoots his chair back from his desk and shifts a mound of papers before helping me up to his desk, and then Munch hands me a megaphone.

“I will be out for a portion of next week, this means other ADAs will be handling your cases for that time period, if you need a warrant call my office not my cell. That is all.” I say gracefully stepping down from atop Stabler’s desk without even taking off my two inch heels. 

Once the unis have scattered the boys walk up to me. 

“Don’t tell me that Olivia declared her undying love for you and now you’re off to some resort.” Says Munch

“Is this some kind of joke around here?” I ask Olivia.

“Well, she hasn’t had great luck with men.” Replies Hung walking up.

I see that Olivia is turning red, so I get back to my thing.

“No, no, I’m having surgery, Liv is going to help me out afterwards.” I explain 

“Don’t tell me tefflon is getting kicked down by a few wisdom teeth.” Munch laughs.

“No, got those out in tenth grade.”

“Then what is it?” Asks Fin.

“Laparoscopic surgery.” 

“For what?” asks Elliot

“Endometriosis” 

“Oh, honey!” Exclaims Dr.Warner walking up “I came because Fin called me and said you were standing on a table with a megaphone, are you taking a LOA?” 

“No, excision surgery, and sorry you missed me explaining to unis how to get a warrant next week.”

“Uhh, am I just the idiot here, what the hell are you guys talking about?” Stabler asks 

“Endometriosis is a chronic condition...” Hung explains as Milinda, Olivia and I walk elsewhere.

“Seriously though, are you okay?” asks the doctor.

“I’m doing pretty good, really, considering the circumstances.”

“Well, let me know if you need anything.” 

“Will do.”

“Gotta go, bus crash.” She says running. 

“I should go too, I need to prepare for my absence. See you tomorrow.” I say following Mel to the elevators, trying to escape before the boys process what Hung told them. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Office of ADA Alexandra Cabot**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**9:36 AM**

I was getting my papers in order for next week, wondering what the tone would be this afternoon when I go down to watch the interrogation of a suspect in Lily’s case, when an Donnelly walks in with an woman who appeared to be younger than myself. 

With my concentration broken, I recognize a searing pain in my back. As she enters the room, I suppress the urges to curl up in a ball and scream or cry. 

“Alex,” Her voice was sharp, as usual, and the other woman appeared to be startled when the the Bureau Chief's voice broke the beat of heels and dress shoes on hardwood coming in from the now opened door. 

“This is Jessica Rossi, she is a 3rd year law student at NYU, she will be covering for you until you get back.” My boss explained.

“Have you seen my schedule? I have two hearings on Monday, three witnesses to prep and an opening on Tuesday for that DV case, I assume I will have direct and cross for all three of them, the vic who I have been prepping all week, and Stabler and Munch on Wednesday, by the looks of the defense's witness list, they’ll be presenting their case Thursday and there should be enough time left over for closings, so I should be taking my turn for arraignment on Friday, assuming one of SVU’s 13 other open cases don’t require my attention. Last I checked all of those things require, at the very least, that a sitting member of the bar from our office be present just for her to do them, and that someone with experience be doing them for these things to be done well. If this is the best you can do, I’ll just reschedule.” 

“Alex!” Donnelly yells, actually angry this time, “I am your boss, not some defence attorney you are trying to plea bargain with. I know how the court system works, I will be there with her for the things that require it. She is more than capable of presenting a case. I chose her to do this because when I was presiding at a moot court she was in, she did better than half the ADAs in this office. When I asked burglary, where she has been interning, if she’d be able to handle sex crimes, everyone who worked with her said we’d be better off with her than one of their ADAs-”

“-You and I both know that’s because there isn’t an ADA in the entire city that doesn’t have issues with either John or Eliot!” I interject.

“I will concede on that point, Alexandra, but they all said she can handle live victims, something I can’t find in any homicide ADA. Everything will be fine.” 

“Even so, why is she here today?” I ask, releasing I have lost this battle. 

“So you can show her the ropes and introduce her to the squad.” 

“Fine!” I angrily yell back. I don’t know what gave me the nerve to start this argument with her, but I couldn’t stop. m

“Jessica, could you give us the room?” She asks in a normal voice. The student clears the room, looking uncomfortable.

Liz closes the door. 

“Alex, what’s wrong?”

“Whenever I had group projects in high school, I would do all the work. Not that I got stuck with it, but I knew that I would do it right. These victims deserve a capable advocate, I know I can be that, but I don’t know that she can be.”

“It doesn’t matter who I get, you’ll still be afraid that you could do better than them, but it’s only for a week. Nothing irrepealable will happen, I’ll make sure of it. Besides, do you think that between Cregan, Munch, Stabler, Turtola,  _ and _ Benson she could get away with anything less than an outcome you’d be satisfied with.”

“I guess you’re right, but uh, Olivia won’t be there next week. I mean, of course if she needs to testify she’ll be there, but otherwise she’ll be with me.” 

“So will you pull yourself together and help Jessica prepare for next week?”

“Yes.” I say digging in my desk for pills.

Liz leaves and the girl two years my junior enters as I down the pills.

“Hi, Alexandra Cabot.” I say standing up to shake her hand.

“Jessica Rossi” She replied, shaking my hand

“I should explain what happened earlier-”

“You don’t have to-”

“Yes, I do. This is my first time taking more than a morning off. SVU is different from any other department you’ll encounter. Prosecuting sex crimes is easily the most mentally and emotionally taxing thing I’ve ever done. This is not a job I’d give to anyone. It’s too easy to mess up, rarely is anyone on your side, the defendants and their lawyers, the victims and even the SVU detectives. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I wouldn’t trust anyone. The stakes are too high.”

“Okay. What do I need to know?” She looks unfazed, perhaps she might be able to handle this. 

“Let’s start with the basics. Your schedule next week: on Monday you have an evidentiary hearing for The People V. Rodgers at eight, on a DNA sample obtained by Det. Tutterola from a coffee cup left in interrogation by the defendant, Mr. Liam Rodgers when he was escorted to the bathroom during interrogation. They’re claiming that the cup, which was empty, was not discarded. There is a competency hearing at one for The People V. Johnson. Our shrink says Robert Johnson is competent, It should be easy. Tuesday-”

“Should I be writing this down?”

“No. I already have it typed up. I just wanted to do an overview of it, as I was saying-”

“Ms. Cabot, I can read. Would you mind just giving me the overview so I can ask questions about what I need clarified?”

“Certainly.” I say handing her the paper, hot from just coming off the printer.”

As she looks over the 3 page document, I call Liv to tell her we’ll be coming over before the interview. 


	11. Chapter 11

**1-6 Presencent Cribs**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**12:16 PM**

I wake up to Olivia shaking me. 

“We won’t have long to eat.” She tells me.

“That’s fine,” I rub my eyes. “We can just order chinese from that place down the street, it’ll be here in a few minutes and we can eat while watching him sit.”

“Sounds great, what do you want?” 

“Mu Shu Pork and Lo Mein.” 

“Let’s go get everyone else’s order.”

“Okay.”

  
  


**1-6 Presencent Interrogation**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**12:57 PM**

John and I slurp up noodles in observation while Olivia and Elliot sit across from the nineteen year old, dressed in a white long sleeve shirt, black tie, and navy slacks, eating sweet and sour chicken, chowing down on asian takeout in a similar manner. Cregan is standing next to Hung behind us, Finn is waiting at the CRU lab, and Munch is going to take a DNA sample down there, that we are hopefully going to get from this guy. Rossi was the only one out of place, as she was taking a phone call.

“How are you doing that?” Munch asks turning towards Hung.

“Doing what?” He asks with a mouth full of rice.

“Eating rice with chopsticks.” He says.

“It’s sticky rice, it stays clumped together.” The pocket sized man explains 

Once the boy with short blond hair finishes his meal, Stabler decides to begin. 

“Here, let me take that from you.” He grabs the boy’s fork and container and brings it to Munch. 

“Thank you, detective .” The boy says

“Gotta go, Teflon.” John says, the fork now in an evidence bag. 

“Be sure you do everything by the book. I want to nail this guy.” 

I watch as Stabler grills him, question after question. Olivia takes the good cop, saying she’s “on his side”.

“So you know Lily?” He’s sitting on the cold metal table 

“Yes, sir. Her father is my mission president, so I’ve seen her with him and at temple.”

“Are you close?” 

“No sir. How long is this going to take? I’m out of earshot of my companion, I could get both of us in serious trouble.” 

“That’s the least of your worries.” 

“I’m sorry, sir, what do you mean by that?”

“An eyewitness puts you near the library on the day Lily was attacked.” He’s now an inch away from his face.  
“Yes, sir, I was, my companion and I were proselytizing, you can ask him, I haven’t left his earshot in months. I didn’t even see her though, are you sure she was in that area when she was attacked? She is not always truthful.” Stabler is pissed. I can tell by the look in his eyes, the way he asks his questions- normally he’d give Olivia a chance to play good cop, but not this time. The poor boy, who’s name I’m now remembering to be Malachi just set him past his breaking point. 

“Yes, we found physical evidence at the scene, so rather than just assuming Lily is a liar, prove to me that you aren’t. Your  _ companion  _ can he account for your whereabouts?”

“Yes, sir. Jorah is waiting out there, he’ll tell you, I was with him all day and we didn’t see her at all.”

“You’d better hope your story checks out. You wouldn’t want to be here with me if it doesn’t.” He says, slamming the door behind him as he walks to alibi the boy.

Rossi, having entered the observation room a moment ago decides right now was the best time to clear up her confusion. 

“Isn’t that a threat, he can’t do that, can he?” 

I silence her, pressing my index finger perpendicular to her lips, while pivoting to open the door. 

“Jorah!” he calls into the squad room.

“Yes sir?” Responds a boy, similarly dressed, hair slicked back, placing a bible down on the bench he was sitting on.

“Where was Malachi on Monday?” His tone was less harsh, his jaw less tight now.

“He was with me all day- well almost all day...” He trails off.

My phone goes off at this moment.

“Cabot.” I answer,

“Ms. Cabot” responds a familiar voice on the other end of the line “There’s more I need to tell you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I just, I don’t know.”

“Lily, that’s okay, it’s perfectly normal. Do you want me to meet you somewhere, or would you rather just talk on the phone?”

“Can you pick me up at the corner of 36th and 7th? I told my parents I needed a walk, so I don’t really have anywhere else to be.”

“Sure, I’ll walk over, be there in ten.” 

“Thank you.” 

“It’s not a problem, you are okay if detective Benson comes too?” 

“Yes.”

“What’s that about?” Cregan asks

“Lily has some more info, she’s at 36th and 7th, mind if I take Liv and leave Rossi?”

“Sure thing, you coming back here or going back to your office?” 

“Here, it’s closer.” 

“You can use my office.”

“Thank you, I trust you won’t let Stabler kill these guys in my absence.” 

“See you soon, Cabot.”

“Bye, Cregian.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Corner of 36th and 7th**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**1:24 PM**

As I approach the girl, with Olivia at my side, she heads toward us, looking a bit nervous.

“Hey,” Olivia greats.

“Hi” She replies.

“How are you?” I inquire 

“I’m good, mainly because my parents still haven’t found out.”

“You’re probably going to have to tell them eventually.” Olivia says

“But, we can be with you when you do, and if anything bad happens, we’ll help you figure something out.” I follow up.

Olivia asks her about school and other non-pertinent things, wanting to give her the safety of the precinct to ask her about the real things.

As we approach the building, I tell Liv to wait with Lily downstairs for a few minutes so I can clear the squad room, to shield her from the man who may very well be her attacker, and preserve whatever evidence may come from any of the three.

**1-6 Precinct SVU Squadroom**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**1:34 PM**

I enter the bullpen, and see two uniformed officers at the coffee machine. 

“You two,” I point “Come here.” 

They’re so green they don’t question it, probably assuming I’m a detective. 

“I need you to move him” I point to Jorha “out of here.” 

“Should we put him in the cell?” The male officer asks, with a cracking voice. 

“God no. We don’t really have grounds to hold him, he’s waiting on someone in interrogation, I really don’t want to have to try to convince a judge that it was justified, just throw him in the interview room.”

“Wait, are you not a detective?” asks the female officer.

“I’m the ADA assigned to SVU.”

“So, do we have to do what you say?” this question coming from her partner who appears to be going through puberty. 

“What Alex says? Yes.” Cragen shouts, exiting his office.

The children attempt to escort Jorah to the storage closet masquerading as an interview room but he begins to flip out. The captain and I step in, him because it’s his job, me because this is a shit storm waiting to happen, rookies and yelling tend to end with ambulances and incident reports. 

“Let go of him. He’s not going to hurt you.” Cragen says in his disappointed father tone.

“What’s the matter, sir?” He then asks, this time using a tone he reserves for attempting to play politics with my bosses. I say attempting because he almost always loses. 

“I need to stay near him, we’re always supposed to be able to hear each other. I know I can’t hear him from there but it's the closest I’ll get.” The kid explains.

“We could put him in observation. I’ll have Olivia and Stabler stop questioning Malachi, it’s not going very far anyway.” He whispers low enough so only I hear.

“If you’re sure you’re not going to anything more from him, go for it, but please keep them from communicating, based on his reaction to this, if Malachi is go for it, so is he.” I whisper back.

Cragen gets started on making the arrangements, and I go down to the lobby to retrieve Lily and Liv.

**Office of Captain Don Cragen**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**1:39 PM**

“So Lily, what did you want to tell us?” Olivia asks, sitting on a chair that was in front of her captain’s desk, that she pulled to face the sofa Lily and I have positioned ourselves on.

“Well, I, uh, I lied when I said that I didn’t know who- who- who...” She begins to cry

I carefully wrap my arms around her, and feel her body relax.

“Take your time, it’s okay.” Olivia coos. 

After a moment she pulls herself together. She takes a deep breath, and tries again.

“I know who, who, uhh,” This time, rather than getting over emotional, she just seems to be searching for a word to use that isn’t as violent as rape.

“Who hurt you?” Olivia leads cautiously, not wanting to corose her.

“Yeah... yes, ma’am. He, he uh he’s one of my father’s missionaries, Malachi. I thought he was a good guy, he seemed so nice...” she snuggles in tighter.

“How well did you know him?” Olivia asks, having been questioning him prior and from what she had heard, she wouldn’t have known him well enough to be describing him like this.

“He was kinda a friend, I guess, I mean, he wasn’t really supposed to talk to me, but sometimes when he’d come over to talk to my dad and he was busy, he’d sit in the living room with me and talk while he waited. Jorah was there, too, but he was working on learning spanish, so he’d do that while he was waiting. I found it funny that only one of them was learning a language but as my dad said,  _ New York has no common tongue. _ We became friends, but he’d pretend he barely knew me because he’s not supposed to hangout with non-missionaries. We haven’t lived here very long, and I don’t have many friends. He said some of the church rules weren’t true. So I told him. That’s why he hurt me. I was wrong.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“I told him I was into girls. Right after I told him, he said he’d help me change. I told him I didn’t want to change, he said that I had to, that it was the only way I could be saved. I stopped talking to him after that.” 

“I take it your parents don’t know.” Liv says.

“No.” She answers.

“Did you see him do it?” Olivia asks.

“No, but I think I heard his voice.” 

“What did he say?” I feel her shiver as the words pass my lips.

“He.. He” her voice hitches, her breathing gets rapid, tears stream down her face.

At this point I realize that she is definitely having a panic attack. I remember what Huang taught me, so I untangle my arms from her balled up body.

“Olivia, can you get a paper bag, and see if Huang is available?” I keep my voice low, my tone calm.

“On it.” She matches my demeanor and walks out of the office.

“You’re okay. You’re safe. No one can hurt you.” I tell her.

I continue talking to her until Olivia comes back in with a lunch sack and the short psychiatrist, who is carrying a bag. 

“Here, take deep breaths into this.” I instruct. 

She breathes slowly, in and out, eventually becoming calm.

“She might feel shaky or tired, or both, but she’ll be fine.” Huang informs us, and then exits the room.

A few more minutes pass, and then Lily speaks.

“I’m sorry about that. This usually only happens at night.” 

“Don’t apologize, you couldn’t help it. Do you want to stop?” I ask

“No, I think I’m okay now.” Her lips quiver “After he... finished, he said, “There, I just made you a real woman, not one of those demonic dykes.” 

Tears pour down her cheeks. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay” I coo. 

“Thank you Lily, and let me give you a sheet with some information about counselors who can help you with the panic attacks. They won’t tell your parents.” Olivia says, rummaging through Cragen‘s desk, then pulling out a paper and handing to Lily.

“You’ll need to testify in front of a grand jury, and then at trial, if he doesn’t plea out. Can we call your house to let you know when we need you? We won’t tell anyone anything about him.”

“That’s fine.” 

“Do you want to go home now?” Olivia asks, anxious to get into interrogation.

“Yes please.”

“I’ll give you a ride, I can drop you off a block away if you want.” I tell her

“Thanks”

  
  
  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**1-6 Precinct SVU Squadroom**

**Thursday, September 21th, 2000**

**2:07 PM**

Right after we walk out, I see a Jorah, another man, and a woman all yelling at Cregan.

“He would never!” screams the woman.

“He’s really a good boy.” the man says in a more diplomatic tone. 

Rossi walks over to me and tells me that the DNA came back and it was a match. 

“Stabler roughed him up.” she adds 

“Yeah, well, that’s what Stabler does. Don’t worry, Cragen would’ve stopped him if he did anything out of line.”

“Mom? Dad!” Lily was startled. “What are you doing here?”

“They’re accusing Malachi of rape, we’re defending him. What are you doing here?”

‘“He- uh- I’m here- I wasn’t mugged on Monday.” 

“But you took these cops time anyway? Apologize! Now young lady.” She has an out, I don’t think that this will go well if she admits what really happened, and the trial will be next to impossible if they think no crime was committed against her.

“I know Malachi did it.” I wonder if she’s saying this because she’s not going to say that she saw him, just so that she doesn’t have to hear her own parents standing on the side of her rapist or because it’s the only way she can say it without repeating the breakdown.

“You claimed to have witnessed a crime and not only did you not tell us, but you lied to us to cover it up? You’re in serious trouble young lady! Stop lying and tell the detectives Malachi didn’t do this.” Her father demands.

“I can’t.” She responds.

“Yes, you can.” He says back

“No, I can’t tell the truth and tell the detectives Malachi is innocent.”

“Just because he was being promiscuous doesn’t mean that he raped her. She had to have told him no. Clearly, you misunderstood, just women like that kind of ungodly activity and clearly she roped him into it.”

“No! I told him no! I told him to stop and he did it anyway! I didn’t want that! I didn’t want to have sex at all, let alone with him in a park!” She began to cry and grabbed around the top of my throbbing abdomen in a callow manner. I fold my arms behind her back, completing the embrace. 

“She- she was raped?” her mother asks in shock.

The room falls silent. Mrs. Nelis turns to Olivia “Did he do this to my baby?” she rephrases as her voice wavers on the brink of tears. 

“Please, somebody tell me.” She pleads.

“New York law prohibits me from telling you unless it’s okay with Lily.” Olivia informs in the same flat tone I use when recalling the various legal principles and laws I need for my job.

“She’s my daughter!” The woman clamors.

I hear Lily’s shaking voice from my now tear-soaked bosom “You- you can tell her.” 

“So?” Questions the woman who at this point knew that the answer to her question was affirmative

Olivia solemnly nods her head. Lily’s mother walks over to her daughter who is still firmly affixed to my body and wraps her arms around the both of us. I feel the young adolescent who had identified me as her protector startle, unaware of the incoming touch. 

The father, whose name I now know to Septem, which lead me to believe he had at least six other siblings, looks agitated. Cregan had also perceived this, likely far in advance of my recognition. 

“Let’s take this in my office. Shall we?” 

Lily’s mother, Jackie, removes herself from us, looking rather embarrassed by her actions. Lily pries herself off me, but still stays cautiously by my side, still afraid of her parents.

Cragan enters his office, and holds the door open for Lily, Jackie, and myself, Olivia hangs back, entering the small room only after a now irate looking Septem decides to enter.

Once Olivia pulls the door closed behind her, Mr. Nelis removes his metaphorical muzzle and turns to the couch where Lily sat part of herself on the couch and the other part on her mother’s lap.

“How could you defile yourself like that? Why didn’t you fight back? How could you dishonor me like this?” He berates his daughter.

“Sep! Don’t talk to my daughter like that.” Jackie shoots back, gently removing Lily from her lap and then standing in front of her, using her broad hips and slightly expanded middle to create a five foot six inch blockade between her husband and daughter. 

When he lunges toward his wife, Olivia and Creagan swing into action, quickly subduing him.

“Don’t bring that little whore back to our home! Don’t let her poison this one!” He gently places his hand on her stomach as he is dragged from the room. 

Jackie tries to maintain her composure and support her daughter, however, I’m fairly certain that if she brings her home, at least one of them will be hurt. It is clear to me that Olivia fears this too. When she comes back in, she begins to talk to Jackie, not about Lily, but about her husband. Considering her state, she is particularly vulnerable to an attack at his hand. Even still, it is apparent that she won’t be without her daughter. The detective helps them make arrangements for tonight, and then helps Lily explain what happened.

“Ms. Cabot helped me a lot.” She says, earning a smile from her mother for the first time today. 

They’re taken to a hotel, and Cregan assures me that this will all be taken care of in my absence. 

I remain at the 1-6, training Rossi, coordinating with the captain, helping Olivia wrap up what she needed to, watching all four detectives tag team Malachi and Jorah, trying to get enough evidence to charge the other boy as a co-conspirator, glaring at Munch such as to non-verbally threaten his life if I don’t get his paperwork. 

We can hold the boys for twenty-four hours before arranging them, and if I can get Jorah for this, I’d like to charge them at the same time. At six, the squad, their captain, Rossi and I all sit down around some Italian I don’t remember giving an order- or money- for. The jewish conspiracy theorist delivers some of the food to the missionaries in interrogation one and two and after closing the door, finally asks

“Have you considered that maybe Jorah is telling the truth and really didn’t know about it?”

I drop my fork into the pasta I was more playing with than eating as I feel a bomb explode inside me.

“No! I’m not buying that for a second! These two haven’t left each other’s ear shot to so much as use the restroom in these past months, and you really think he didn’t know about it?”

“Take a breath, Cabot.” Cregan orders, in a calm enough manner that I decide perhaps I may be a bit emotionally involved on this one. 

“She has a point,” Fin defends “Jorah practically looked like he was coming off of something when Malachi was in interrogation. There’s no way he wasn’t in on it.” 

“Unless Malachi all of a sudden decided to do it when he saw Lily.” Stabler offers.

“But what would Jorah have been doing while he was raping Lily? He would have to have known something was up.” Olivia reasons.

“He could’ve seen him raping her, and he wouldn’t be under any legal obligation to do anything.” Rossi points out. 

“He said that Malachi didn’t do it. If he saw, if he knew and he didn’t tell us that’s aiding and abetting after the fact, it doesn't matter how you slice it, he is culpable.” My argument may have been slightly more impassioned than absolutely necessary, but it must have gotten my point across.

“We brought ‘em in at nine thirty yesterday, which means we have-” Cregan looks at his watch “fourteen hours until you have to arraign them. Stabler, Benson, put ‘em in separate cages, I’ll have some unis watch them here and we’ll start at six thirty tomorrow, but I doubt we’ll get anything else done tonight” He looks over to Munch who’s starting to fall asleep.

“I’ll be here.” I respond, getting up to gather my things and go home. 


	14. Chapter 14

**1-6 Precinct SVU Squadroom**

**Friday, September 22nd, 2000**

**6:00 AM**

I hadn’t slept well the previous night. I suppose it was a combination of things: my apprehension about my upcoming surgery, my worry for Lily, her mother, and the little brother or sister her mother was carrying, and my undying passion to nail the sons of bitches who put them in this position. Today, I’d remedy at least one of these things. 

My heels clack against the floors of the station as I strut into the squadroom. Today- the day I had to be in early and hadn’t managed to get more than a few hours of sleep before- was the most put together I had been all week. I was back in my black skirt, panty hose, crisp white button down, and blazer, my face bore red lipstick and rosy cheeks, and my hair was neatly pinned into a tight roll vertically down the back of my head. 

The only person who’s arrival preceded mine was the captain.

“Alex, you’re up early.” He remarks, placing his bag down on his desk.

“Couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about what they did to Lily, and all the fallout it caused her, it makes my skin crawl.”

“Of all the cases we’ve handled, this one bothers you?”

“They all bother me.” I reply, hollowly.

“Not like this.” His remark is true, I suppose, “Why? Why this one?”

I pause for a moment, racking my brain for an answer. Once I find it, I start to explain, not bothering to string the words together in my head first.

“I grew up in a very conservative household, I wasn’t allowed to date, I couldn’t wear shirts or dresses without at least cap sleeves, and god forbid anything came above my knee. No R rated movies, or PG-13 until I was at least sixteen, no staying out late, none of it.” I say as I make coffee.

“You see yourself in her.” He says

“That’s the thing, I don’t. I snuck around. She can’t do that. Not with her father having eyes everywhere with those missionaries. She doesn’t get to be normal.”

Munch walked in before things got too deep, thankfully. Nothing ruins emotional moments quite like the arrival of the man who once declared that area 51 was a place where the government was working on developing mind control.

“Since when do you get here on time?” Cragan asks.

“Since I realized that I need to have a good work ethic if I ever plan to open my own business.” He decaries.

“What?” Asks the man who is most definitely still his boss.

“I’m going to open up a convenience store!” His demeanor is abnormal for the usually irritable and sarcastic man.

“What?” I ask this time.

“I’m going to call it Munchies!” His plan is so stupid Cregan and I can’t keep ourselves from laughing. 

Fin walks in, “What’s so funny?” 

“John is going to open up a convenience store and call it ‘Munchies’” The captain says in with a smile that means he knows this plan will never come to fruition.

The ex narc detective looks at his partner and says “Your bony ass will go outta business in a week! Assuming you don’t get robbed, some patrol cop is just gonna sit in fronta your store and arrest half of your customers.” 

“Just because the name is slang for a common side effect of a drug, doesn’t mean that my clientele is on drugs.”

Stabler walks in having heard some of this. “What’s going on?” He asks placing his fingers on the bridge of his nose. 

“I have a clever business idea and these pessimists just want to ruin my dreams.” He deadpans.

“A convenience store called Munchies isn’t that clever and you’re a pessimist.” 

“He’s right. Stoners aren't that smart, especially when they’re high, they’ll start coming and some rookie gunning for a promotion will start arresting. You’ll have no business.”

“Alright, we’ve crushed Munch’s dreams enough for one day, let’s go get ready to crush the dreams of these two up and coming young men, shall we?” He gestures to the boys he’d been keeping on ice. 

The group of giggling detectives disburse and I take my spot in observation. Olivia places her purse in her desk, the last to arrive, having gotten here seven minutes before the interrogation was set to begin. Fin and Stabler place Jorah in front of the glass in interrogation one. Liv and Munch place Malachi behind me in interrogation two.

“Did you see him do it?” Benson asks.

“No!” He rejects.

“Come on” Munch half whines. 

I continue watching, splitting my attention between both of them. Then I hear two angry men bust into the squad room, I walk out seeing Sep Nelis yelling at Cregan, again. The man next to him appears to be an attorney.

“How dare you interview my clients without my being present?” 

This is my cue, even though he’s still looking at the captain. 

“Your clients” I start with such emphasis my voice almost sounds like a growl, “were advised of their rights before they were questioned. They didn't ask for an attorney.”

“Sir, why is your secretary yelling at me?” The attorney asks.

Cregan, being the gentleman that he is, steps back and let me have at it. 

“ADA Alexandra Cabot” I say, in a tone that flashes me back to the first time Don and I met. 

That was long enough ago, however, that I know that he’s surprised I’m not biting the guy’s head off.

“What? You’re an assistant district attorney? I’d never allow my wife to do that, she should be at home and taking care of the house and the children.” 

His implication that I should be taking care of my kids cuts deep. It brings my mind back to my predicament, reminds me that I may never be able to have kids. Not that I’ll let him see that. Now I do what the captain had in mind at first.

“You’d like that, that way you’d be able to win.” 

“Oh please, a judge is going to throw out anything they say. How long have you been holding them?”

“Jorah, we’ve had him for about” I look at my watch and do some hasty math “ nineteen hours, Malachi he’s been in custody for thirteen and a half. Also, Jorah confessed last night so good luck getting him out of this one.”

“He was under duress!” The attorney snaps.

“I wish you would give me the courtesy of an introduction before claiming I allowed my detectives to violate the fifth amendment.” I loudly shoot back. 

“Maliachi told me what happened, Jorah was saving her mortal soul!” Mr. Niles shouts.

What he doesn’t realize is that he just gave me my indictment for my charge on Malachi as an accessory after the fact. 

“Cap, can you tell them I’m ready to arraign both of them?” 

He does as I asked and I call Rossi, I want her to watch this. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Arraignment Court**

**Friday, September 22nd, 2000**

**10:32 AM**

I stand facing the man here purely because a father would prefer his daughter to be dead than gay. 

“Do you wish to separate?” Asks the judge.

“Not at this time, your honor.” Answers the attorney. 

“How do you plea?”

“Necessity, your honor” 

“On a rape charge?” She asks, looking suspicious and aggravated. 

“Your honor, my clients are missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. They believe that homosexuality will lead to eternal damnation, they saw their actions as saving that girl’s mortal soul.”

“By  _ rapeing  _ her?” I quip. Probably stealing the judge’s line.

“He believed doing so would prevent her from pursuing a homosexual relationship, thus maintaining her purity.” His calm demeanor pissed me off even more, it’s like he has no sense of how much this nonsense hurt her.

“This is clearly a misuse of necessity, your honor.” 

“I’m inclined to agree, but I’ll let a jury decide.” She answers before calling “The people on bail?” 

“The defendants are residents of the state of Utah, they are here as missionaries, the church has the means to move them and the people thus believe them to be a flight risk, we ask for remand.” 

“Your honor, they are missionaries, they have very little means to flee, we ask for RoR.” He shoots back. 

“A few years ago, I’d be inclined to agree with Mr. Stallard, however in light of recent events in the Catholic church, I’m going to have to side with Ms. Cabot.” 

Feeling victorious, I strut out of the courtroom, Rossi following me with her neon yellow legal pad in hand. 

**Office of ADA Alexandra Cabot**

**Friday, September 22nd, 2000**

**11:23 AM**

“How could they plead necessity?” Asks Rossi sitting in front of me.

“It could be good. Lily may not even have to testify.” I decide, typing a brief. 

“I’m going to have to try this, aren’t I?” She asks.

“Probably not, once I finish this brief I’m going to draft some motions, and I’m sure his lawyer will have some, too. That should stave off trial for a week.” 

“So I’ll have to handle those motions?” She asks tentatively.

“Yes, arguing them, but I will draft them, besides, I doubt he has anything resembling a decent legal argument.” 

My door opens “Besides, I can help you.” Donnelly reminds, inviting herself in, “So Alex, don’t you dare let this case bring you in until your doctor gives you the all clear.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not coming in to deal with these motions, honestly a child could do it. Anyway I still have a lot to prep, and I’d prefer to not have to come in tomorrow, so if you don't mind, may I get back to this.” 

“Come on Rossi, I need to go over the schedule for next week anyway, and figure out if I need to have someone else sit second chair for you at some things.” Donnelly orders, fearful to miss her weekly meeting with the DA for a Frye hearing about whether a study with only ten people constitutes as meeting scientific rigor, I’m sure her second chair will be working on something completely unrelated, just as Donnally would be for most of her time sitting second chair for Rossi. 

I work through lunch and dinner; writing briefs, motions, opening statements and rebuttals, with any luck, my absence will not strain my colleagues too much, because she should be able to handle the court stuff and they can work on other things while sitting second. When I exit my office, it’s seven at night, and when I open my door I bump into Olivia.

“Good, you’re going home. Donnelly called when she realized she hadn’t seen you in over seven hours.” Olivia informs. 

“I think I got everything I needed done, I’m going home now.” 

“Night Cabot, call me if you want me to come over Sunday.”

“Sure thing. Night Liv.” 

I take a cab home; Liv gets into a car with a figure I can’t quite make out, but given she’s wearing her work clothes I assume it’s Stabler. He often gives her rides home, since she doesn’t have a car. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Friday, September 22nd, 2000**

**7:38 PM**

I check my answering machine upon arriving home and I see I’ve received a message from my surgeon. The machine plays back a woman’s voice who starts

“Hello Ms. Cabot, this is Ashley from Women’s Health and Wellness Services of Upper Manhattan, I am calling about your surgery on Monday. You need to be at Mercy at 6 AM . You will probably be staying in the hospital for one night, you can have somebody stay with you, and you will be required to have someone to take you home. The doctor has ordered bowel prep, which you can come by tomorrow to pick up the prescription for, along with the prescription for the post surgical pain killers, Saturday office hours are from nine to noon. Most patients do experience vaginal bleeding after surgery so bring some ratty underwear and pads. The surgeon and anesthesiologist will discuss other post op information before and after the procedure.” 

She is cut off by a beep once her instructions have been given. I sit at my desk and plug “bowel prep” into google, yielding unsettling results. I ponder for a brief moment before deciding it best to call Olivia and ask her to come over on Sunday night. While it may have the makings of a mortifying evening, it can’t be worse than what she has already helped me through, and it looks like she’d be a welcome distraction from what I’m reading. 

After some hasty math, I determined she should be home by now, no way Elliot would have taken her to the bar, not after Kathy was that mad at him. She doesn’t answer, at first I think to call her cell; then remember she has spotty reception and is probably at the Stabler household as they often host her for dinner. After pressing the familiar buttons and listening to the ring, Kathleen’s voice answers 

“Stabler residence, this is Kathleen.” 

“Hi Kathleen, this is Alex, I work with your dad, I think we’ve met once or twice.” 

“I remember you. Hang on, I’ll get Dad.”

“No, I was calling to see if Olivia was there, I needed to talk to her.”

“Sure, one minute.” 

I hear her hand cover the mic and then through the hand the teen’s voice calling “It’s Alex, she wants to talk to Olivia.” 

“How’d she know you’re here?” Elliot’s voice inquires 

“Oh come on, if you are working a case she comes here for dinner on Friday nights.” Kathy replies.

After a little commotion Olivia’s voice comes on “Hey Lex, everything okay?”

“Yeah, well, kinda. I got a voicemail from the surgeon today, and apparently I have to do a Bowel Prep the night before. I looked it up online, apparently, it’s medically induced Montezuma's Revenge. I was wondering if you’d sit with me while I drink this stuff that quote “tastes like satan's bathwater” in between running to the bathroom.” 

She chuckles slightly and responds “Of course, and if things get too bad, I’m a semi capable plumber.” 

I chuckle slightly and pray that the Stabler family doesn’t deduce anything from what she just said. 

“Fantastic, be here around 5?”

“Got it.” The line goes dead.


	17. Chapter 17

**Women’s Health and Wellness Services of Upper Manhattan**

**Saturday, September 23rd, 2000**

**9:08 AM**

I walk into the waiting room expecting to simply receive a few slips of paper through the slot in the plastic barrier between the receptionist and the waiting room, but upon stating my name and intentions, it becomes clear that was not what was about to happen. 

“Hello, Alex, Dr. Cau is available to speak to you right now, actually, I’ll take you to her office.” Says the woman behind the counter. 

Although a bit confused, I decide not to say anything and follow the middle eastern woman. She leads me to the doctor who I had seen earlier in the week, who stands up to meet me, shakes my hand, and then we both sit. 

“We were a little rushed last time we spoke, and I wanted to make sure you understand what exactly we’re going to do on Monday.” She explains. 

I nod. 

“So what we will do, after you go under anesthesia, we’ll make a small incision into your navel, and one or two others about here,” she points about an inch away from her belly button on either side, about an inch above it. “We’d then inflate your abdomen with carbon dioxide, and insert a camera and other surgical instruments that we’ll need to excise any adhesions. In all the surgery should last about a half hour to forty-five minutes ” 

“Okay, and after that?” I ask 

“We’ll close up, with a stitch or two in each incision, you’ll have to stay overnight. But you should be released first thing Tuesday morning. You’ll need to take the rest of the week to recover, like the nurse told you on Wednesday. After surgery, you can expect to have some vaginal bleeding, pain at the incision sites, general abdominal pain, and perhaps nausea. You will probably have pain at your shoulder tip due to the gas used during surgery. I should add that some women report that their first period after the surgery can be -intense, this is nothing to freak out about, since the tissue is swollen, it puts additional strain on it.”

I sit there, knowing there is more. 

“No strenuous physical activity for 4 weeks, you’re probably not going to want to put anything in the vagina for 4 weeks, including tampons, and no lifting anything heavier than 10 pounds for 4 weeks.” 

“Anything else?” I ask 

“Yes, you’ll need to do a bowel prep. You’ll drink 1 bottle of this” She hands me a prescription, “at noon tomorrow, and another bottle at 4.” She then hands me another slip of paper “After you begin the prep, these are the only things you can eat or drink.” 

I thank her for her time and grab the papers, pay at the receptionist, and leave for home. 

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Saturday, September 23rd, 2000**

**10:18 AM**

Upon my arrival home, I contemplate calling Olivia and seeing if she’d be willing to go with me to collect the necessary items, either later today or tomorrow, and to ask if she thinks she could come over at noon tomorrow, considering we’d already established five. I pick up the landline and dial her home number, I figure she’s home, seeing as how we don’t have a case. She didn’t do much on the weekends if she wasn’t working. I didn’t either, aside from the occasional continuing ed class, we’re pretty much always on call, so all plans are subject to fall apart on a moment's notice. 

“Fuck no.” She answers drowsily, 

“Are you okay Liv? Sorry to wake you.” I say.

“Oh, you're not Elliot or the Cap, thank god.” She sounds a little less agitated “thought we caught a case.” 

“No, I had to swing by the doctor this morning and got some more info, I just wanted to let you know what she said, I can call back later, it’s not urgent.” I respond.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s a lot later than I thought it was, want to just meet for breakfast, we can talk there?” 

“At this point, I think it’d be lunch, but sure, where?”

“How about that little cafe on 31st and 6th.” She suggests. 

“Have I been there?” I ask, not recalling it. 

“Yeah, it was the closest coffee shop from the sight of the Teller case, you and I went there after you and Elliot almost killed each other.” 

“Oh, that one, it was really cute.” 

“Really, you didn’t seem to notice at the time.” 

“Well, it was four AM and we were on the scene of a high profile case, committed either by a copycat or a serial rapist who got off due to a fourth amendment violation, and we were leaning toward the later, so excuse me for being concerned that every little detail was by the book.” I tried to say that in such a way that it sounded funny, but I think it came off a bit meaner than I intended. 

“See you at eleven, Alex.” She says with a chuckle.

“See you then.” I answer with a laugh, hoping she’d realize I meant my previous outburst to be funny. 

**Cafe at 31st and 6th**

**Saturday, September 23rd, 2000**

**11:04 AM**

When Olivia walks in the door her short hair is still wet, and she’s wearing a Backstreet Boys tee shirt. I wave her down. 

“Nice shirt.” I laugh as she takes a seat “I didn’t know you were still fourteen at heart.”

“I took Kathleen to a concert while Stabler was doing some undercover work.” She defends.

“That still doesn’t really explain why you got a shirt.” 

“It was technically my first concert, unless you count ones I went to in a professional capacity-Kathleen did not- and she managed to talk me into picking one up.” I laugh some more.

“Really, you never went to a concert before?” 

“Didn’t have the money to in high school or college, didn’t have the time after that.”

“This really is a cute little spot.” I say after a moment

“Yeah, it really is.” She agrees as the waiter approaches. 

“Do you ladies know what you’ll be having?” He asks with an accent that is a mix between Indian and English.

“Coffee and a club sandwich for me please.” Olivia orders.

“Cream and sugar?” He inquires.

“Yes, please.”

“I’ll have a coffee and the Caesar salad.” 

“Is that all?” 

“Yes, thank you.” Olivia replies. 

Once he has taken a step away Olivia asks me what the doctor had said. 

“She explained the surgery, told me what to expect for the recovery, and told me what I needed to do for the prep tomorrow, speaking of which, do you think you could come over at around noon, I’m supposed to start the prep then.”

“Sure, do you need anything else?” She asks.

The waiter brings us our coffee, carrying a blue ceramic creamer in his left hand along with the coffee, he hands Olivia a white, porcelain cup with purple flowers on it that looks like it’s part of an old tea set, and gives me a mug that reads “world’s best dad”. 

“Can I get you ladies anything else?” he asks. 

“Why are all of the mugs mismatched?” Inquires Olivia

“Everything was bought at estate and garage sales, the dishes, the chairs, the tables, even those curtains.” He answers “When they opened they didn’t have a lot of money, and it was a cheap way to get everything they needed, people seemed to love it, so they haven’t changed anything since.” 

“It is pretty cute.” I admit.

“Anything else?” He asks 

“We’re good here, thank you” Olivia replies. 

“I’ll be back in just a minute with your meal.” He says 

After he leaves I sit silently for a moment, my mind wandering to a far away place.

“Lex?” Olivia asks.

“Hmm?” I answer.

“Anything else you need?” 

“Maybe do you think you could go with me to pick up the stuff I’m supposed to get, and maybe help me pack for the hospital, so that you know what I have on hand and where stuff is in my bag?” I ask.

“Sure thing. Do you just want me to come over at eleven and we’ll go grab everything together?”

“That sounds great. Thank you so much, for everything. I don’t know why I’m being like this, I’m usually independent and I never am like this-” 

The waiter places our meals in front of us and we uphold the necessary social contract before getting back to our conversation. 

“I’m never like this” I start back “I guess it’s just, I’ve done this alone for so long, and it’s been hard and it hurts like hell.”

“Alex,” she says, after taking a bite of her sandwich and then placing her hand atop my own, “You’re my friend, I’m happy to help you out, and I’m glad you let me help you.”

“Thank you.” Is all I can manage to reply 

We eat while chatting about nothing in particular, laughing and enjoying each others company. After we finish eating we go our separate ways with the agreement to meet at my apartment tomorrow at eleven.


	18. Chapter 18

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Sunday, September 24th, 2000**

**10:56 AM**

I knew I only had a few minutes before Olivia arrived, so I found myself rushing around my apartment to tidy up. Why I feel this compulsion is beyond me; aside from the fact that my apartment is almost always near spotless, save a few well used legal textbooks placed opened face down on various flat surfaces throughout my home, some case files and other work related documents scared about, some (already rinsed out) cereal bowls and coffee mugs piled in the sink, and a line of dirty clothes strewn about from my bedroom doorway to my bed, Olivia had just been at my place on Wednesday, and I certainly hadn’t bothered to clean up then, due to the unexpected nature of the visit and of course the fact that she came because I had been suffering severe pain for the past three days. I would reason that these factors gave me an excuse that time, which I did not have today. 

Knowing she’d get here any minute, I stuffed the papers I had received yesterday into my purse and place it by door before I finish putting the freshly washed mugs in the cabinet above the coffee machine 

The buzzer goes off at 10:58, and I grab my purse and go downstairs to meet Olivia. She greets me with a gentle side hug and then we walk half a block to a bodega.

**Bodega on 34th and 5th**

**Sunday, September 24th, 2000**

**11:12 AM**

As we enter the establishment, we are greeted by a tabby kitten.

“Hi Picardo.” I greet kneading his head as he rubs against my leg. 

“A cat named fish.” Olivia laughs. 

“He showed up a couple months ago, Javi, the owner’s son, was working and saw him walking into an isle, and when he went over to shoo him out, he saw him trying to reach the canned tuna, which had to be a coincidence, since it’s not like he could smell it in the can. It didn’t matter anyway, because the kitten clearly wasn’t ready for fish just yet, he only had two teeth, so Javi got a bottle and some kitten formula and fed him, but when he told his dad the story, he thought it was so funny that the little kitten was trying to get fish he couldn’t even eat, that he let Javi keep it here at the store, or at least that’s what Alejandro told me when I asked about him.” 

“Aww. Is that Javi behind the counter?” She asks 

“No, he only works here in the summer, his dad hires help during the school year, he wants Alejandro and Javi to focus on school, but Javi comes in everyday to see Picardo.”

“Wait, don’t we need to be back at your place at noon? Shouldn’t we get started?” Olivia asks. 

“Oh. Yeah.” I reply and get the papers out of my purse. 

As I scan the list, we walk towards the isles, away from the produce. 

“So, what do you need to get?” Olivia asks, having already picked up a basket. 

“Let’s see, I’m on a ‘liquid’ diet starting at noon, I can have jello though.”

“Oh so it’s not horrible at all, I mean, jello, that’s practically steak” She jokes

I laugh in response, and then get back to the matter at hand, “So I should get some of that, some gatorade, and some broth.”

“What else?” 

“I have to get maxi pads, gas-x, and trash bags.” 

“Why do you need trash bags?” Olivia asks, looking rather horrified.

“I ran out this morning.” I reply, confused until I realized that she thought I needed them for after the surgery.

“And the gas-x?” She asks

“Apparently, it doesn’t matter whether the gas entered your body as a soda or by being pumped into your abdomen, it’ll work.” 

We got the food, then the drugs, then the trash bags, Olivia picked up a bottle of laundry detergent, and reveals this is the third time she’s worn her current shirt since it’s last wash.

“I ran out of detergent three weeks ago, and I had enough clean underwear to get me through, so I didn’t bother to go out to get it, but since I’m here.” she said.

We then approach the selection of ‘feminine hygiene products’, I stand there, suddenly feeling like an eleven year-old again.

“Have a brand preference? Olivia asks

“I haven’t bought pads since I was in high school.” I reply, with a nervous laugh.

A wave of relief rushes over me when Olivia laughs back and says “Same here, except that I had to pick some up for Maureen a while back, Kathy was visiting her mother and Elliot was too nervous to do it himself.” 

“How does Kathy put up with him?” 

“In his defence, he did cite not wanting to have to take Dicky to buy them.” She defends 

“Well, that makes it a little better, but why didn’t he just leave him with the others?” 

“I don’t quite remember, but it did seem like a good reason, I think he kept on trying to pull pranks on all of his sisters or something.” 

I pick up a package that doesn’t appear to have a small mattress depicted on the front and decide it’s as good as any.

“This’ll do, we need to be getting back, I have to drink that thing in twenty minutes.” 

We proceed to the counter and she rummages through her purse behind me.

“Here, I’ll get that for you,” I say taking the detergent out of her hand and placing it next to the other items I was purchasing.

“Thanks Alex,” she says grabbing one of the two bags as I pay. 

“Don’t mention it” I reply back grabbing the other bag as we leave the store. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Sunday, September 24th, 2000**

**11:49 AM**

It wasn’t until we got back to my place that Olivia wasn’t carrying a purse, but rather an overnight bag. We place our stuff on the counter, and I get the prep that I picked up from the pharmacy after our lunch yesterday from my cabinet.

“You can put your bag in the bedroom if you want.” I say 

“Alright, does your building have a laundry room?” 

“Yeah, second floor, why?” 

“I ran out of clean- or semi-clean- clothes, so I just pulled some dirty clothes off my floor and shoved them in this bag.” She answers. “I’m going to go put these in; have anything you need washed?” 

I grab the laundry basket out of my closet, “You can put it in with these, let me see if I have any change.” 

“I have some, don’t worry about it.” 

“You’re being so kind to do my laundry, it’s the least I could do.” I respond.

“You bought the detergent, remember.” 

“What time is it?” I change the subject as she dumps the contents of her satchel into my half full laundry basket.

“Eleven fifty-three.” She responds, looking down to her watch. 

“I need to go mix that stuff. Then I’ll go with you to the laundry.” 

“That sounds like a bad idea, considering you’re about to drink pharmaceutical grade laxatives.”

“Oh, yeah.” I laugh, entering my kitchen and preparing the drink.

“Which staircase should I use?” She asks, approaching my door as I attempt to shotgun the liquid.

“The one we came up” I gag. “It’ll be on the left.”

“Okay,


	20. Chapter 20

**Apartment of Alexandra Cabot**

**Monday, September 25th, 2000**

**5:28 AM**

After an uneventful day spent in the bathroom, Olivia and I turned in around 9, because we knew we’d have to wake up at five this morning. I am getting dressed in my closet while Olivia finishes up her shower. 

“Alex, are you ready?” Olivia calls.

“Yeah.” I say back, stepping into the bathroom wearing velor sweatpants and a baseball shirt.

“All packed?” She asked as she shook her short hair over my sink to dry it. 

“Think so.” 

“Stabler let me borrow his car and he’s taking the Crown Vic, I’m parked about a block away, I’ll bring it around and you can wait at the door with our bags.” 

“We can carry them, I don’t think it’d be a great idea for you to walk alone this early in the morning.”

“Alex, I’m a cop, I think I can walk a block without something happening.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like you have your weapon or even your cuffs, and if you get mugged or something we’ll be late.” I joke

“Fair enough.” She picks up my bag and her own. 

“I can carry my bag, Olivia, I’m not an invalid... yet.” 

“Humor me, will ya?” 

“Okay, fine.” There was no sense in arguing. 

**Mercy Hospital**

**Monday, September 25th, 2000**

**5:47 AM**

When we arrive I walk up to the counter to check in. I’m told to go to a slightly lower counter that is lined with chairs and partitioned into four little sections. I walk past an older couple to the second partition and sit down. Olivia takes the seat next to me. The man on the other side of the counter goes over a bunch of legal stuff very quickly. He hands me a from to sign and looks rather annoyed as I proceed to read over the entire thing. 

“She’s an attorney.” Olivia explains. 

The man doesn’t respond. Once I finish reading, filling out, and signing each paper, the rather angry man informs us a nurse will take us back into pre-op soon.

  
  


**Mercy Hospital, Pre-Op**

**Monday, September 25th, 2000**

**5:54 AM**

We were led back to a room with two small chairs, a TV, a bed, and a bunch of medical equipment. A nurse walks in.

“Hello, Ms. Cabot.” She greets, extending her hand “I’m Abby, I’ll be your nurse while you’re in pre-op.”

“Please, call me Alex.” I say as I shake her hand.

I watch as the detective shakes the nurse's hand “Olivia Benson” She says.

“And your relation to Alex is?” She asks.

“I’m a friend of hers.” Olivia answers.

“Great, Alex, if you could just come with me, I need to get your height and weight.” 

She leads me to a separate room, about the size of a large supply closet. I sit in a small chair identical to the one Olivia was sitting in when we left the room. It wasn’t until I feel the blood pressure cuff being placed around my arm that I realize that’s what she was doing. As the cuff tightens, Abby approaches me with a thermometer.

“Put this under your tongue with your other arm please.” She instructs, handing me the probe, and I do as I am told. 

After a moment, both machines are done taking their measurements and Abby writes them down. 

“All set. We’re just going to need to do a pregnancy test and then we’ll you can stay in your room until we get you for surgery.”

“Oh- there’s no way I could be-” I respond, knowing it’s a waste of time.

“It’s required pre-op for all women between the ages of 10 and 50.” She states with annoyance in her eyes. 

Ten. That seems young, but whatever. Abby hands me a cup and points me to a bathroom, the rest of the transaction carries out unceremoniously and I am led back to the room where Olivia is waiting. 

“You can get dressed your doctor and the anesthesiologist will be in shortly to go over the procedure, recovery, and some more paperwork.” Abby says gesturing to a gown on the bed. 

When she exits, Oliva stands up from her chair to give me privacy. 

“Liv, I don’t care at this point.” I say and she sits back down. 

I get dressed and throw my clothes into the half full gym bag I bought and sit on the bed. Olivia turns on some morning news show, which I half listen to until a balding middle age man in scrubs walks in. Liv mutes the TV

“I’m Doctor Jacobs and I will be your anesthesiologist today.”

“Alexandra Cabot,” I respond, shaking his hand probably too firmly considering that I’m not trying to intimidate him. 

“And this is-” 

“Olivia Benson, I’m her friend.” She says, standing up to greet the man.

“Okay, so I am legally obligated to explain to you the risks of the ansisteisa we are going to use today. Even in otherwise healthy individuals, there is a risk of complications including death. For today’s procedure alternative methods of ansiteisa include an epidural and mild sedation, though I would not recommend it due it the need for you to be perfectly still. All of this information is outlined on this document, please initial here that I have explained the risks associated with the ansiteisa being used today as well as alternative methods of treatment.” 

I read the document and initial on the indicated line. We continue in a similar fashion for another two paragraphs and then I sign the document. 

“Do you have any loose teeth?” 

“I sure hope not.” I attempt to joke, starting to realize the gravity of the situation. 

“Any other dental or oral problems?” 

“No.”

“Any history of breathing or heart problems?” 

“No.” 

“Any bad reactions to anesthesia?” 

“No.” 

“Okay then, I believe Dr. Cau will be in in just a moment, she’ll have paperwork she needs to go over and then I’ll have Abby come back in to start an IV. 

“Thank you, doctor.”

Not two minutes later, Dr. Cau walks in. She goes over her stuff in a similar fashion, and hands Olivia a couple of pamphlets about recovery. The surgery is explained again, the complications are explained, the most likely of which being post surgical pain, and she explains that there is a risk of loss of fertility, although sometimes the surgery improves fertility. She tells me that we can pursue hormonal treatment under the assumption that I have endometriosis, but that it would most likely only prevent the disease from worsening, whereas this avenue will likely provide some level of relief of the pain for some time. I read and sign some more things. 

After she leaves, Abby comes in to set up the IV and some monitors.

“Wait, before I get you all hooked up, you aren’t wearing an underwire bra, are you? Sometimes the surgeon or the anesthesiologist can have a problem with it and then getting it off is a whole ordeal once I hook everything up.” 

“No.” I leave out the fact that I decided not to wear a bra today because it doesn't make much of a difference due to my small chest.

Once everything is set up, Abby leaves, and it’s just Liv and I. My mind starts to race. All of the risks associated with the surgery being the same things it’s trying to accomplish really freaks me out for some reason. I start to panic. Olivia looks at me. She sees I’m upset.

“Lex, what’s wrong?” She asks walking to my side.

“I don’t want to do it.” I sob.

“Why not?” 

“I just don’t. I want to go home.” 

The anaesthesiologist comes back in. 

“We’re ready for you.” He says 

“Hey, she’s really freaking out right now, could you come back in a minute?” Olivia asks.

He comes to the other side of me and crouches to my eye level. 

“Alexandra, are you nervous about the surgery?” He asks in a very soft, calm tone

I nod my head.

“I can give you something to calm you down a bit, would you like that?” 

“Yes.” 

He told Abby to put something in my IV, I waved goodbye to Olivia as they rolled me out of the room.

The operating room is cold, they ask me to shift onto the table. Doctor Johnson places a mask over my face and then I drift off into a dreamless purgatory. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole interaction was based on a semi-true story. I had jaw surgery when I was in high school and right before going back I had a major panic attack and said I didn't want to have the surgery. However, because I was a minor at the time, they didn't need my consent. They gave me a sedative, I calmed down, they took me back. Which, considering I have an anxiety disorder was probably the best COA.


	21. Chapter 21

**Mercy Hospital- Post Op Room**

**Monday, September 25th, 2000**

**10:03 AM**

When I wake up there’s a nurse and for a second I wonder if they did it. 

“Olivia’s on her way in.” She says, then I feel a wave of somewhat dull pain shoot across my abdomen. 

“Ow”, I mumble, my voice- if that’s what you can call it- sounds deep and raspy, as though I just woke up after sleeping for days, even though I was only out for -what- I search for the clock, and can’t read it without my glasses, which I guess I took off at some point before going back, maybe Olivia has them- then I realize that even if I could read the clock, I don’t even know when I went back for the surgery, well, I guess I know, it’s somewhere in my mind, but I certainly can’t find it. 

I guess I fell back asleep, but the next thing I know I’m moving. 

“Wha- what’s going on?” 

“You’re going to your room, don’t you remember? I came into the wake-up room and you and I talked for a few minutes, and then they started taking some of the monitors and stuff off you? They gave you some medicine for the pain before they started to move you out?” Her voice was so soft and sweet, under normal circumstances I’d call it condescending, but between the pain and the weird fuzziness from the anastasia, I found comfort in it, even if it was somewhat laced with concern.

“No. I think, maybe, I woke up without you there. I’m not sure. What time is it? How long was I out?”

The nurse pushing the bed tells Olivia that this was a normal lingering effect of the surgery; Olivia looks at her watch. 

“It’s 10:16, they took you back about 2 hours ago, but the surgery only took about an hour. One of the nurses came out when you were done said that everything went well, and that Dr. Cau would come talk to you once you got to your room.” 

“Oh, okay.” 

“Alex, honey, come on, we’ve got to get you out of the bed, try to get up.” Olivia coaxes.

A male nurse helps me sit up and pivots my legs to the side of the bed, then places his hand on my back, Olivia and another nurse take my hands and help me stand up. 

“Oww oh. It hurts.” 

“I know, we just need to get you into the other bed.” The female nurse says kindly. 

She takes an IV pole in her other hand while the other nurse guides some of the remaining chords to the side of me. I shift most of my weight on to Olivia’s side, and she steps a bit closer to me. Five agonizing steps later, I’m standing in front of the bed, and all three of them maneuver to ease me down on to it. Once I’m laying there, the female nurse moves the IV bag, and then starts to remove some of the sticky pads from my chest. She leaves 2 of them on, and unsnaps the leads, then snaps on different ones. A clip is placed on my finger and a blood pressure cuff is wrapped around my left bicep. Then she writes her name on a whiteboard in front of my bed. 

“I’m Cameron, I’ll be your nurse for this shift.” She shakes Olivia’s hand. When I offer her my hand she responds, “You’re probably not going to want to do that, it could cause the IV to pop out, anyway, I’ll leave you to rest.” 

**Mercy Hospital- Room 409**

**Monday, September 25th, 2000**

**11:37 AM**

A bit later, Dr. Cau comes in and tells us that the surgery went well, and that she was able to remove many of the adhesions, but that due to the severity of the disease, she couldn't remove all of them without also removing large portions of my left ovary. The doctor went on to state that based upon the the size and number of adhesions combined with their presence on my bowels, my condition would be considered stage three endometriosis. 

“I'm surprised that you weren't in constant pain, given the size and location of some of the cysts I found.” Perhaps it was the drugs or the way in which this disease managed to touch nearly every insecurity and fear a person can have, but her tone seemed laced with an odd combination of sympathy, condescension, and awe. 

“What I did today should help to ease some of the pain you've been experiencing, but it likely won't diminish completely, and without hormonal therapy you're likely looking at a repeat surgery within one to two years.” 

“And if she does the hormonal therapy?” Olivia pipes up. 

“Hormonal therapy is a bit of a broad term for a few different types of treatment. One route would be hormonal contraceptives, which typically reduce the amount of endometrial tissue build-up and often lessens the severity of the symptoms of the disease, since many women find they have lighter, shorter periods with less cramping, have you tried birth control in the past?” 

“Yes, I took Yaz my Junior year of college, after a few of my friends told me how great they thought it was, but it didn't do much for me. It got kinda expensive and I didn't need it for pregnancy prevention, so I stopped taking it my first year of law school.” I decided to omit the fact that I never got through a full pack without missing at least two pills, and I doubted with my current schedule I'd do any better. 

“Another option would be Gn-RH antagonists, which blocks the release of FSH and LH, the hormones responsible for the buildup of the endometrium, without these hormones the ectopic tissue doesn't build up or shed. FSH and LH are also responsible for triggering the production Estrogen and Progesterone in the ovaries, so will create artificial menopause, with all the same symptoms. Estrogen promotes bone health, and without it you'll be risking osteoporosis, hormone replacement can help reduce that risk but it may also counteract some of the benefits of the therapy and doesn't completely eliminate the risk of bone loss. Do you have a family history of osteoporosis?” 

“Yes, both my grandmothers had it, and my mom was just diagnosed with osteopenia.” I surprised myself with how well I spoke, because the pain meds were taking me back into a now familiar world of fuzz.

“In that case, you probably wouldn’t be a great candidate for it. ” 

“So then what?”

“Other than a partial hysterectomy, which I’m assuming you don’t want to pursue, you can hope that this surgery works, we can focus on pain management, and see how well you do. While it isn’t all that likely given that I didn’t remove all of the adhesions, there is still a chance that you can go on fine without medicinal treatment, at least for a while. We monitor progression and determine additional treatment, be it medicinal or surgical, as we go.” 

“Her best option is praying that it doesn’t come back?” Olivia questions, somewhat combatively; it may be the drugs, but I don’t share her anger, I’m in a better place than I was, so what did I have to complain about?

“Unfortunately ” Her voice reeks of pity, but I can’t tell if it’s meant for me or herself, ashamed she didn’t have a better answer. “Get some rest, Alex.”

Once the doctor left, Olivia asks from the chair “Did you understand Alex? She can’t do anything for you. Why do you seem so okay with this?” 

“It’s a combination of this” I shake the IV line, “and the fact that I’m still probably going to feel at least a little better for a little while. The idea of even a month where I don’t dread getting out of bed in the morning is still better than what my life was.” My tone was cold and detached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the last one that I have already posted. I have written half of the next chapter, though I don't know if I will be posting it anytime soon. It's almost finals season, afterall


End file.
